Three days before Christmas

Just a self-indulgent blogger life ramble post, comments disabled so you can feel free to skip.

I have nothing left to give, I’m bled dry, I can do nothing but whine. I mean this in the gentlest way possible but I don’t want your sympathy, I’m no more important than a whoopee cushion… A whoopee cushion doesn’t ask for sympathy, it just makes noise, embarrasses itself, and collapses.

Three days until Christmas, haven’t finished my shopping, scraping the barrel, feel like a total failure.

(Random aside–speaking of Christmas reminds me of church, which reminds me that Pope Francis is not actually the pope, dunno who it is or how long it’s been, but it ain’t him. I would say he is an antipope but honestly he’s not smart enough for such an historic role.)

My manager has Covid and so once again I am all by myself in the office, beginning to drop balls because I can’t juggle them all. The store almost ran out of cash to have on hand because I didn’t order early enough. It would be a disaster that was 100% my fault. I always end up alone and always drop a major ball. People only notice how much I do once I screw up.

You’re only as good as your last mistake.

(Although I will say, it’s hard to express how much joy I felt when I saw the armored carrier arrive. Imagine being such a chump for your employer that you are overjoyed at the sight of money that is not yours.)

Because she’s out, I’m pretty much expected to show up every day, even on my days off. I have a schedule restriction (restricted to the budget, no less, which I think is pretty reasonable as far as reasonable accommodations go) for my epilepsy because stress/sensory overload could trigger breakthrough seizures. I believe I had one one night because I woke up with the blinding headache that was their hallmark before I started medication.

The point is, HR rules go out the window when they’re inconvenient to other people.

For the last four or five months, day in, day out, we train new employees who, if they show up at all, don’t give a shit, and then usually disappear. Although honestly, if they disappear, we’ve dodged a bullet, even if it’s inconvenient to train one position forty-five times. I’m just a babysitter.

Everything you read in the newspaper about the dire hiring situation, especially in the customer service industry, is true.

My mind is beginning to fracture from being trapped with these trainees all day. Last night I dreamed I was wiping a desk and I became aware that a trainee was watching me from the computer room. Suddenly my hand began to shake uncontrollably and I thought to myself, they’re using their mind to give me a seizure and I must not let on that it’s working. Then I woke up and was paralyzed for a few moments. My heart was pounding and I was scared to go back to sleep. I don’t know if this has anything to do with my epilepsy. I also am having night sweats from time to time which means I’m majorly stressed.

But it’s only retail, right? Get a real job, or so I’m told.

Nothing is fun anymore, I’m just so worried about certain people that I can’t focus. I try and find enjoyment in the present when I can but it’s so hard when you’re worried about someone else. It’s easier when it’s yourself because you can diminish and rationalize it somehow. You can hide it and nurse it even if you’re inwardly screaming to jump out of your own body.

But you can’t when it’s someone you care about.

I want to write but I can’t. My mind is blank–yet how is that a blank mind can race? It’s almost an oxymoron.

I can’t talk about my boss, it’s not funny anymore at all, I can’t even describe the situation. Except for the constant HR violations against my epilepsy issues, she actually isn’t that horrible to me (relatively speaking). It’s more how she treats other people. She just treats like them shit and I hate seeing people feel crushed. They’re going to start walking out, just like so many others before them. She even hired her close friend (because she’s too lazy to interview) and treats HER like dirt.

This woman is my direct manager between me and the boss. I was terrified when I heard that my boss was hiring a friend because what the hell kind of person would be friends with her? But as it turns out, she’s so much fun and is a great person, and I’m crazy about her. I actually look forward to going to work when she’s there. But our boss–her FRIEND–treats her as bad as her least favorite manager.

At least you can say she doesn’t show favoritism.

Lastly, I wish I could spend more time on other people’s blogs but I just don’t have time, I don’t even have time for my own, and that’s part of why I disable comments lately because I figure that when people see they can’t comment, they just skip it. Which is fine because this is just a rambling diary entry, fired off into cyber space… Dunno why we Internet randos do this…