How would YOU have gone about writing it?

~ Hetty Eliot

I so wanted to write a post about my boss retiring. I waited ten years for it. I wrote a tepid piece that turned into a rant about academia and then it petered out and died on the vine, as well it should have.

No one bothered to read my last post or they didn’t care to read between the lines.

My year has truly been the best of times and the worst of times.

I have a baby.

My mother has brain cancer.

I got a lot of flak when I expressed trepidation about moving out when I got married earlier this year. I was worried about my parents, who was going to keep an eye on them. I guess I knew something wasn’t quite right with my mom, though I never dreamed it could be something like this. Therefore my fears were not simply just born of immaturity, but there was a real basis for them.

You don’t stop loving and caring about people just because you’re moving into a new phase of your life. Maybe some people do, but I’m not built like that. I will always find a way to split the difference even if it’s my head that splits open. And honestly sometimes it does indeed feel like my head is being split because a switch really is flipped when you have a child.

I just didn’t know how to write about this stuff. I don’t mind writing about stupid things of little consequence, but it almost felt… mercenary to use it for material. Imagine giving birth and your mom is a few floors above you in the same hospital and you can’t see her and she barely is aware of what’s going on anyway. If you wrote a fictional story like this you’d be laughed at. On paper it sounds maudlin and on-the-nose yet it’s real life.

I spent the majority of the year pregnant, and I didn’t want to just chronicle how many feet I got away from the bathroom before I had to turn around again. I don’t have the writing skill to be able to convey the comfort my baby (both born and unborn) gave me in the midst of the most devastating news of my life.

So that’s why I haven’t been around. I can’t say it’s because I had no time, because I could have squeezed it in if I really wanted to (and in fact I kept a detailed diary). When things are so close to the heart, words can fail.

I still lurk to make sure people are alive. Hopefully a few of you will still speak to me!

Because of my troubles I remember a story I wrote about a fictional daughter and mother, “I Never Made Lunch for Mother.” I have nothing new to offer y’all sadly.

52 thoughts on “How would YOU have gone about writing it?”

    1. Thanks very much. Honestly it wasn’t just “life got in the way,” I just didn’t know what to say and how to say it.. But I’d like to come back because I won’t be leaving this house for a long, long time.

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  2. You’re right; I totally failed to read between the lines of your previous post. Congratulations on your baby, but, of course, your mother. My mother had small cell carcinoma–lungs, then brain cancer–and I wasn’t even in the same state. I had some time off and chose to visit her for a week, but then I couldn’t be there when she died. Inelegant but I guess we muddle along, good and bad. So of course you’re not alone.

    The Internet must go good for something.

    Lurk, write, comment. ‘t’sall good, man.

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  3. Hi Hetty, I am sorry for the lows and I am happy for you for the highs. I’ve been not-even-lurking on WP for the last many months, trying to find a balance between screens and no screens. I hope you are doing well. I bet you’re an amazing mom already – you’re a very good person and that’s all that’s really needed I think. I wish the best for your whole family.

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  5. Well hello and congratulations!
    First off, thanks for sharing your news. Babies turn one’s world upside down. The wee one can’t be but a few months old but I’m sure, with your powers of observation, you’ll soon be seeing the kernel of cognizance in her/his/their eyes.
    Now is the time to consider creating a legacy of growth. A photo a month, plant a tree every birthday (by 60 they’ll have their own forest), a poem for the season…
    Rejoice in the undiscovered!

    People get sick. People die. And yeah, it sucks. Humans are a tragic species. Imagine this though, your child will probably live to see the end of aging. How cool would that be?!

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  6. Congrats on becoming a mother. Also, fuck cancer. I hope your mother is doing better.

    (…Unless I fail to read between lines again.)

    The only way I could write about my boss’ retirement is to ask, “Wait, you retired with all your limbs attached, that too while I was working for you?”

    Guess I shot my employability after that line. Who cares? I’m not excepted in work anyway. Might as well have fun in the meantime.

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    1. Yes cancer really sucks, seems like it affects everybody one way or another.. You know how that goes. Unfortunately with brain cancer, “better” is very touch-and-go.

      And I always said to my coworkers, how the hell is she still alive?

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  8. Hi Hetty, I too have been sequestered away from my WP tribe and have missed all of your posts recently. I was thrilled to see you posting and you still manage to entertain even when colored by a deep poignancy. What an amazing turn of events for you. The joy of Boss retirement, the celebration of marriage, birth, and motherhood all moderated by your mother’s illness. What could possibly comfort us in such grief. Perhaps we see the joy of new adventures and feel the loss of our beloved ones ground us in the reality of life and loss. Still, I pray for your family and especially your mother that God’s mercy and grace will comfort you all.

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      1. I have genuinely enjoyed your blogging, Hetty and I can imagine the great stories you can tell about your little man growing up and sharing funny moments with you. Who knows, I might even think of something to post too.

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          1. I have a special post regarding my own New Year and the little thread between George and I on your blog in comments. It’s a fiction story but it touches on aging.

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              1. Oh no! What happened? 😲 I’ve noticed I have to relog in before I can like or comment on some posts. As I poke around WP with my index finger there is no telling what travesty I can cause with an errant finger poke. 😑

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  9. Wow, we really have similar circumstances and not just the baby. My mum had brain cancer too. I think part of the reason why we write is because we too would like to process what’s going on in our lives, and words help with that. So I wouldn’t look at you writing about your experiences as mercenary. Congrats and condolences at the same time. But we’ll be in touch, right, Hetty? Take care!

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    1. Things are getting spooky! I’m sorry your mother suffered from brain cancer as well. It’s pure evil. I still process through writing, just privately. It’s how to say things publicly in a way people can relate to that’s the hard part. Hopefully we both stick around this time!

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  10. I can totally relate to how when things are so close to the heart, words can fail. I wish I had better words for you and yet all I can say is I am sorry to hear about your mother and I am so happy for you with news of your baby. Life is such an interesting experience.

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  12. Ah, nothing like a post from you to ring out the sloths🤣 congrats on the baby. Clue – kids put your life in the backseat. What was once important is comparatively insignificant. You can write factually or embellished about “your life” and join the billions of “my life” chroniclers, or you can take experience(s) and fictionalize them. Rather than cite examples or offer advice, he was an alcoholic, she was a whack job. No shit, you can’t make this stuff up. But it looks that way from the outside…

    “It seems to me that on one page I recognized a portion of an old diary of mine which mysteriously disappeared shortly after my marriage, and, also, scraps of letters which, though considerably edited, sound to me vaguely familiar. In fact, Mr. Fitzgerald — I believe that is how he spells his name — seems to believe that plagiarism begins at home.”
    — Zelda Fitzgerald, The New York Tribune

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    1. Hey Phil nice to see you. Many of “my life” chronicles never make it here thank God, for all of your sakes any way. My computer is littered with screeds too. I think there can be a certain value in these things in general for people going through the same stuff but I have nothing to offer them, I want them to tell me what to do. But often a story can accomplish the same purpose. On the other hand, if people miss the point when you state the obvious, how will they ever get it in story form? Cue the drive-by comments…

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      1. What others understand, garner, judge or project on your work, fictional or factual, isn’t the point. The doing of the thing is what’s good for you. Parable – a famous drummer in a stadium filling band said about his drum solo “There’s about 15 seconds in the middle for drummers. The rest is entertainment. If anyone gets it, great. If not? I know it’s in there.”

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          1. Or the spam notes about your adorable creativity. Because most anyone who would say that to most of us wouldn’t know. The only way to find out is a wide audience.I spent my adult life in front of people where it’s easy to gauge. Out here? It’s like peeing yourself in dark pants. It gives you a warm feeling but nobody notices🤣

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  13. Weirdly, for reasons I can’t quite articulate, I had a funny feeling that you were expecting. But it’s the kind of thing where reaching out and saying something feels wildly inappropriate and bound to backfire. I figured if you have news you want to share you’ll do so in your own time. Congratulations, and I am so sorry about your mother. What a crazy emotional roller coaster you must be feeling

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