Yeah, I know, isn’t it a crying shame?
I suppose that’s what you all figured would happen but no, that was a joke.
What follows is some rambling updates about what I’ve been up. It’s barely edited but at least ChatGDP or whatever didn’t write it.
Our wedding day was really meaningful and better than I hoped for even in my best-case scenarios. We had the church ceremony and a luncheon with our immediate family. In a couple of months we’ll have a large family reception (mainly because other people expect it). I’m so happy we did it this way. I hate the way people act at weddings and every time I hear about the nonsense that goes on at other weddings I feel more and more smug. Our wedding day was about our wedding. We did our vows according to the traditional Catholic Latin rite. Anybody curious about what that entails, hit me up.
I’ve spent the last month settling into a new routine. The transition proved much smoother and easier than I had been afraid of. I’ve gained a lot of clarity about what was going wrong in my life before I got married. I realize now that I had occupied much of my time at home engaging in avoidance tactics.
It turns out that I won’t die if I go to bed at 10:30pm instead of 2:30am. It turns out that not only can I get up much earlier than I used to, but I can get up early and still have had a full night’s sleep. It turns out showers don’t need to be twenty minutes long. Fifteen is enough. (Compromise does have its limits.)
Our condominium faces north and east, which was a source of dread for me because in my bedroom at home, I had sun from noon until it went down. I was afraid I’d die here in the dark. But being here now in the morning, I have full sunlight. It might not be my favorite kind, but it’s very bright and sunny, in fact bright enough that my glasses darken if I sit too close. It might not be a sunset, but a sunrise can hold its own surprisingly well.
I never thought I’d enjoy mornings. I had warned my husband that I am a monster in the morning and that he’d have to stay as far as possible from me for at least two hours. But that person is curiously gone. I get up when my husband is getting ready for work and we have coffee and talk until it’s the latest possible time for him to leave. Then I either get ready for work myself, or I read or watch YouTube (old habits are still dying hard). I love looking at the time to see it’s barely 10am and floors are mopped, a load of laundry done, and I’m dressed and showered.
(And before anyone here starts their shit, No, I am not being forced to do housework and lose my identity. He wouldn’t notice if I never did it.)
The first time I was alone the whole day when I was off and he was working was very difficult. I thought I would go crazy not talking to anybody. It’s easier now but I find myself filling in the silence by listening to music, which isn’t really ideal but I do love my music (dunno if my ability to hear is going to agree with me in a few years). I told him before we got married that we probably would communicate very little because I’d be listening to music, but I actually barely do it when he’s home. Don’t feel the need to. Alone is a different story. The other day I was in the kitchen and I had just paused my lipsyncing when right then he walked in the front door. Oh thank goodness he didn’t see me! I’m not ready for that type of intimacy yet.
I love having ownership over my space. I was worried that I was so used to my room, to the bathroom, to the kitchen, that I’d feel alien here. But now I can arrange things and decorate the way I want. I had never bothered decorating my bedroom because subconsciously, I think, I didn’t want to admit I’d be there for the long haul, even though it was a long haul. I added even less to the rest of the house. I guess I kind of just existed there.
I haven’t been late for work once. I manage to get myself out the door and to the bus stop in a timely fashion. You’ve got to realize, I’ve been sheltered my entire life. I’ve never had to do anything for myself without someone there. I don’t really care if people think it’s lame or pathetic that it’s taken this long to start to get things together, but that’s how the stale cookie of my life crumbled.
But I’ve always been a believer that it ain’t over till it’s over, and all these years of wasting away immediately seemed like a different lifetime ago. I didn’t really leave behind all the things I was scared of leaving behind. When I visit my parents’ house, I look around my dusty old room and think to myself, This is what I was so worried about leaving? That’s not to say I haven’t had any moments of homesickness but they’ve been farther and fewer between than I ever expected.
The real sickness lies in missing bad times. It doesn’t make much sense but it’s a temptation I face from time to time. I think what we long for when we get nostalgic for the bad times is the seed of hope we had that things’ll get better.
It wasn’t until I was in my old bedroom scavenging for stuff to bring with me that I realized how lonely I was at home. I thought everything was good because I had my parents and significant other. I thought that it was sufficient to spend all day talking to people at work and then to spend the rest of my time at my fiancé’s place, that all I did was sleep at home. But parents don’t substitute for the type of companionship you want in your twenties and beyond, and spending all day with someone doesn’t make up for going to bed alone. I’m friendly at work, I attend groups at church, have a few former coworkers I keep in touch with. But none of this substituted for the things I really wanted and the desires buried inside of me, maybe because the truth was too embarrassing and painful. It’s easier to make excuses, blame yourself, make a big joke out of it all, than admit your fear that you’re too weak and pathetic, a fundamental human failure, to do anything about it.
One of the most pleasant side-effects of marriage is that work doesn’t stress me out to the degree it did before. I used to spend every day off anxious about work, waiting for my manager to call me, worrying about what was going to happen tomorrow. Geographically, I’m much closer to the store now–if I climbed up on the roof, I’d be able to see the whole mall. I clock in within fifteen minutes of shutting my front door. Of course I think about work, but I’m not sick to my stomach by any means. I can get up early for work now instead of sleeping in until the last possible moment in order to avoid throwing up from anxiety. Oddly, the proximity somehow makes it feel further away. Maybe because I know I can walk out at any moment and be home immediately. Or I can ask my husband to forbid me from working there anymore.
There are fewer hairs in the sink, my skin looks better, I don’t spend hours staring in the mirror fixating on my pores, I don’t wear a pound of badly applied makeup. My perception of my bodily size more closely reflects reality. It’s like I finally got out of the insecure teenager phase, albeit fifteen years late. The only downside to my newly brightened up appearance is that I’m already being closely observed for “the glow.”
(There are greater joys to marriage than just picking out a bedspread, but I don’t like to talk about relationship stuff here. Suffice it to say it’s the one thing I can say went right in my life.)
But of course there’s a problem. Who would I be if I didn’t have a dumb (non)problem to complain about? I don’t know what to do with this blog now. It used to be an outlet for excuses and complaints and imaginary illnesses. Not being mired in my own misery anymore, I don’t know how to fill that void–I suppose that’s a pretty good problem to have–and it would be quite icky and ungrateful to deliberately be a miserable waste. But I don’t want to sit here and describe how I lowered the electric bill five dollars or learned how to boil an egg. (Haven’t done either yet anyway.) One thing I’m not lacking for, though, is opportunities to write, and now that I’ve gotten into the swing of things, I’ll be able to put more time into it. Like everyone else says. “When I have time….”
In any case, I miss y’all and apologize for not having commented on any posts. I do lurk and read (provided WordPress is actually showing me the posts) but I haven’t been sure what to say and then I got backed up. I’ll be around.
Who the Hell Knows? 
Congratulations. I am so happy for you. I figured you have been enjoying married life.
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Thanks so much. I’m very fortunate. In fact I’m enjoying our first day snowed in together!
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Snowy days always make me smile. Very early in our relationship we were snowed in without power. We ate cherrios for dinner. Every time I eat cherrios, I smile and kids say gross.
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Funny how foods can trigger memories so powerfully.
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Yes, it certainly does. Smells do it for me too.
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Whooo. I have only been sticking around for this update Hetty. I’m so happy that things are going well, and don’t worry you’ll get the drama at some point (Hubby and I had a stand up fight in a department store over bath mats once). You enjoy your life and if you want to share anything, go right ahead,if not it don’t matter. Have fun and remember life is to be lived
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Hi Deb. When did you change your name?? I must have gotten unsubscribed from you! This happened with someone else too. I usually get your posts in a weekly digest.
Let’s put it this way: We’ve been together for fifteen years. I’ve gotten a lot of nonsense out of my system by now, thank God. That’s not to say we haven’t a little drama of course, but one of the benefits of getting older is that you forget what you’re mad about five minutes later. I’m the one who brings the drama, though.
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Bringing drama isn’t a crime, but it sounds like you’re settling in real well. I only changed the blog recently, the paid subscription runs out in June, so I thought I’d post once a week until then. I’ll probably close it at that point.
I just don’t know why I’m doing it anymore. 😕
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Don’t close your blog! You’ve invested too much time in it and made so many friends. I think posting once a week is a good idea to keep it alive until you feel inspired again. I think we all ask ourselves why we do it; in my experience, if I just hang on long enough, I remember why, or discover a new reason. If nothing else, keep up with it just to say you did!
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I’m struggling with even once a week Hetty, there’s something scheduled for next week, then nothing. I’ll try and keep it going but …
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I think you might have overextended yourself with posting every day and you’re feeling exhausted as a result. I’m a believer in going through the motions when I’m not feeling something because I know it’ll tide me over until the time I feel up to it again.
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It all sounds great! No apologies needed. Lurk away, and we’ll see you when we see you!
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Thanks, Roy. You know me and my guilty conscience.
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Good to hear you’re happily married and enjoying the companionship and autonomy of married life. Your whole new chapter has commenced and there are many more chapters yet to come. Very happy for you and your husband. L’chayim 🥂 “To Life” 😊
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Thanks so much! It’s very exciting to have a new chapter… In fact, it’s a whole new book.
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A whole new book to write your own story. 😊
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I just realized.. I think I get unsubscribed from your blog if posts are made private.
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I didn’t know that. Could be. I’m going to open it up again soon.
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I’ve re-emerged from an energy drain (whew, life has been so challenging lately) and you’re still subscribed. Yay!! 😊
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Oh yeah I see it’s back in my list now!
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Woot! 🥰
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I could boil an egg, but didn’t realise you had to cook rice before smothering it in butter and putting in the oven. Phew! I had to air our little flat for a week.
Married fifty years last May.
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Fifty years! I’m beginning to get a little long in the tooth but I hope that somehow we’d be blessed enough to be given that time. And yes burned rice stinks 😬
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You could always write about your happy life, you know, to balance out the miserable one. Just a suggestion.
Also, this is exactly why I don’t like to imagine how I will be in the future, because right now, I am opposed to get married, focused on my career, and often think that even if I get married, I will never raise kids in this shitty world.
But I know that it will all go out of the window if I get married in the future. it does things to your head. Though after reading your experiences, I can’t say that it is all bad.
Thanks for providing us an update, Hetty.
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It’s amazing the things that go out the window when life decides otherwise for you. I think you’re right to focus on yourself and developing your talents, being open to what the universe might have in store for you. You just never know!
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Dr. P prescribes read some Sandra Cisneros. The vignettes in The House on Mango Street come to mind. Read some and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Between you and I, and it was obvious in my commentary, all the whining and self abuse and pity party was bullshit. All you needed was fresh air and a swift kick in the ass from yourself. And lo, it came to pass… that the future is now to be written🤣
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Seriously, dude, some people can’t tell the difference between a volcano and a whoopee cushion. All joking aside, believe it or not, I do give you credit for giving me food for thought. (And that’s yet another book I never heard of.)
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As a fan of human behavior from trough to crest without a zero crossing is interesting. Good for you. If you get around to it Cisneros is one of those writers that defines Technicolor Brevity.
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What’s the point of life if you don’t drink it to the dregs
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You’re asking the wrong person. I worked my ass off getting paid for what I would have done for free. The old adage of The One With The Most Toys Wins is crazy because you can’t take a private jet to the Pearly Gates. However, I would stress a good amount of equanimity to the peaks and valleys because it’s the best seat for being in your movie.
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Who The Hell Knows? Hetty knows. Time to use those powers of observation and write about all those strange folks you witness, have them interact, have them come unglued, have them stash bags of rotting fish above the ceiling tiles. Now that you have washed yourself from your own hair — time to luxuriate in your writer’s repose.
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That’s a good metaphor. I definitely feel more freed up, even if for no other reason than nobody’s leaning over my shoulder asking me what I’m up to.
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I love how when you finally return I was on a mini WP break of sorts and I nearly missed it! Anyway, I’m so happy to read that married life is treating you well and that there are so many positive changes like the coffee ritual, the having your own space, the reduced anxiety around work…I’m so happy for you
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Thanks so much, JYP. Changes of scenery and mindset have gone a lot for me. Doesn’t mean I’ve done a total 180 but I feel a sort of responsibility towards these changes that keeps me from indulging my old ways TOO much. Right now I’m just slowly trying to catch up with everybody.
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Great that you’re back, and congratulations on your marriage! Nice to read that you’re adapting well. I went the opposite route. Stayed with my partner for a long while before we’re planning to marry soon. As long as you’re both compatible, it doesn’t really matter which way you go. So happy for you!
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Often even the bad times look like good times when you are looking back after enough time elapses..
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Yeah exactly, it’s a real trap! What’s really scary is to think of the times you’ve looked back and said, “Those were the days,” and then someday, things will be so much worse that we’ll look back and THESE right now will be the days! 😱😱
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You made me chuckle when you mentioned lack of problems to vent about on this blog. They will come, don’t worry. However, in the meantime, you can always rebrand.
Funnily enough, the same thing happened to me when I moved in with my partner – the morning monster disappeared!
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I heard once of a Haitian proverb “mountains beyond mountains.” You climb over one and lo and behold, here’s a new one.
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