Starting to panic (or, the tears of a clown)

~ Hetty Eliot

Yeah.

It’s 2am in my corner of the pathetic world and I’m sitting here by myself in my room, having a cry. And I thought, why sit here crying by myself when I can go online and tell the world I am crying?

As many of you know, I’m getting married Saturday. Which means moving out.

I’m almost thirty-five and this is what I need to do. I need to start my own life. I am looking forward to the positive changes in my life. I will have more independence. My fiancé and I will have overcome so many challenges and will finally get to be together.

I said goodnight to my parents as I do every night and when they walked away all I can think about is how there are only three more nights that I will do this. My father’s eyes were shiny and I don’t know if they were because of tears. I think he’s taking it much harder than my mother. I look around my room where I’ve lived for over twenty-one years, at the pictures on the wall and think of all the things I went through. I see the pictures of my beloved cat and I miss him.

More than for myself, I feel so sorry for my parents. I finally realized one day that I couldn’t babysit them forever, that I can’t prevent them from becoming old or sad by not leaving. They aren’t the type of parents who plan to sell their house and buy a Winnebago as soon as their kids turn eighteen. Perhaps we’re all too emotionally dependent on each other. We’re all very sentimental and neurotic. But all we ever really had is each other.

We will only live a mile apart, so it’s not like I’m moving across the country. I can come here any time. It’s just…..

To make the situation truly depressing, my fiancé’s father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He is undergoing chemotherapy. I think it turned out to be wise that we planned for a small wedding with only immediate family. We may have had to do this anyway. I always had a weird feeling something like this would happen. For the longest time I couldn’t bring myself to pick a date. I’d think to myself, How do people pick dates a year in advance? I know they do it all the time, but how do you know if someone is going to be alive and well or not on the day?

Then my father came down with Covid last Thursday and my mom got the flu two days later. So we have to be even more careful because of my father-in-law’s chemo. Plus the priest almost died last year from Covid so we don’t want him to get sick, either. Our plans for lunch after the wedding continue to be up in the year even to the last minute.

And the weather forecast is predicting snow and rain. Of course.

42 thoughts on “Starting to panic (or, the tears of a clown)”

  1. Sounds like a very harrowing time indeed. I don’t know if you have cable and/or the ₱BS a₱₱. If you do, watch Season 3 E₱isode 1 of the British ITV television series All Creatures Great and Small. It’s an e₱isode about a wedding. It will give you relief that at least someone’s wedding will have had more mishaps than your own . At least it will ₱robably give you a much needed laugh.

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    1. Oh trust me, Christopher, I didn’t even get into how all the all the pieces are moving into place for a debacle. I’m just trying to keep the fire contained. I’ve never heard of the show but then again I don’t watch television.

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      1. I don’t think most people who watch television have even heard of All Creatures Great and Small. Because it’s a superior quality program, it has a very small niche. Unlike the junk shown on most TV networks that have millions of followers.

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  2. That sounds like a stressful situation. However, I think you will be happy in the long run and your parents will cope and adjust. I moved out and away when I was 19 and I never returned to live with my parents. It was hard on them for a short while but they adjusted. Kids are supposed to move out and begin their own life. It is how you will become a happy adult. You can still visit them and they can visit you. Congratulations on your wedding. I wish you and your fiancée all the best.

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    1. Thanks Thomas. You’re right. And I really do want to start my own life already. I just spend so much time worrying about what everyone else thinks and feels. And honestly, it’s not really fair on their part to depend on me so much.

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  3. chemotherapy sucks, I’m telling you from experience. I’ve gone through it two times for each eye from ages 2 to 4, and they left their mark. Not visible ones at least.

    Let’s just hope your married life goes well, and these jitters are forgotten when the moment comes.

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    1. Yes it’s extremely grueling. Half the doctor appointments are about making more appointments. It’s awful you had to go through that as such a little child. I’ve been to doctor’s offices that also had the children’s cancer center there and it’s heartbreaking seeing the kids wheeling an IV.

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  4. I’m so sorry Hetty, just take a few deep breathes and focus. There are things you can’t change, all you can do is be supportive. I’m really sorry about your finances father, just be there for them both, and you aren’t moving to Mars. You will still see everyone. I hope you’re feeling better now, and apologies for not commenting earlier. A lot of posts aren’t appearing in my reader at the moment. Be Brave – Deb

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    1. Aw don’t apologize. I fell asleep anyway lol. Thank you for your kind sentiments, Deb. When I’m in that type of mood, I forget to weigh the pros and cons. And the pros do outweigh the cons here.

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    1. Thank you. Yes it’s not the smartest thing to get maudlin at two o’clock in the morning. There are some sad things going on but at least there are bright spots. His sister is also coming home from another country where’s she lived for a couple years, so that’s a bright spot for his parents.

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  6. I hope that with the light of day you can see how to get through all this. It’s difficult to take things one at a time when everything is looming overhead. The comment, above, makes a good point–two in the morning is never a good time to ruminate–all jokes about negativity aside.
    And your wedding is this weekend! Best wishes for a bright positive future! You’ll get through this.

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  7. Oh Gosh – really when it rains it rains. I hope that your big day goes smoothly and all are well and fit to attend . And that everyone is fit and well for months and years to come.

    I am sure your emotions are running high without all the health issues on both sides.

    I wish and pray your days goes well and smoothly.
    Lots of love Bella

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  8. It’s never too late to elope.
    Sheesh. Getting married is supposed to be this celebration, not some burdensome ordeal to endure.
    Book a flight to the Caribbean, St. Thomas or something, and just go.
    Come back and move out.

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    1. Trust me it could be a lot more burdensome. I’ve kept everything as low-key as everyone will let me. I think I’m doing the right thing by separating the ceremony from the big party.

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  10. Doesn’t sound like life is gonna get any better or easier after marriage. You probably don’t want to hear this…so I’ll keep my trap shut going forward. PH is too smart to comment.

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        1. My feelings aren’t hurt. I can’t help my personality. On my blog, I don’t get into negative things about people close to me, things which might present a more balanced picture. But let’s say I am taking bigger bags, the biggest bags of baggage in the whole world. The fact that I’m moving from a place where I share one bathroom with multiple people to a place where I’ll have my own bathroom outweighs any bag I could ever carry.

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  13. First off, congratulations on your marriage Hetty. Secondly, all of these intense fears arising to fuel panic, tears, etc, all need to go for new growth. I totally know how intense these fears are. My wife and I gave up literally almost everything, she sold her mom’s house after her mom passed on 2 years ago, my mom passed on 2 months ago and even though it feels freeing and inspired, one questions who they are sometimes when one’s possessions are a carry-on, backpack and 1 week’s worth of clothes, and literally nothing else. That’s what we do, and had to feel a deep, pulsating fear of loss to get here. Keep on healing. We are here, listening and with you.

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    1. Hi Ryan, thank you kindly for reading and commenting. That type of loss is really hard. I dread having to do that someday. I’ve got a lot to be thankful for in the present and I’m actually glad I’ve left some things behind already that were serving me no purpose whatsoever. Even though they’re counterproductive we still cling to them–maybe because it’s what we’re used to and it’s comforting in a weird way. I needed this change.

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  14. This is totally understandable. It’s a big transition. Even if it’s a change that you know is coming at the right time and that you really want to happen, it’s still a really big change. And it’s also challenging when your loved ones are going through health challenges.

    I’ve been thinking of you this weekend. I hope you had a beautiful wedding❤️.

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    1. The wedding was perfect and better than I hoped even in my best-case scenarios. I’m so glad I did things the way I did. The transition actually hasn’t been as hard at all as I feared. Aside from some mishaps being left to my own devices, I’m getting along quite well. Thank you so kindly for your thoughts, I mean that.

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  15. Here’s what I tell my mother when things go south and she can’t stop worrying. She loooooooves to try to fix everything. You just can’t. And then the worrying takes over, and she worriers about everything. I mean, I get it. I do too. But what I tell her to do is take one day at a time. Sometimes things change for the better, and we stressed ourselves out needlessly. I’ve seen that happen more often then not. Like, I live in Maine, and Maine is notorious for having weird weather. Snow tomorrow? Maybe. Wait til you stick your head out the door tomorrow, then come back and tell me if it’s snowing tomorrow. As for the cancer…..I am sorry. I’m going through the same thing….weird how you have so many similar issues as I do. My sister has cancer. Anyway….leaving the best for the last…CONGRATULATIONS! You are getting married! This is the first I’ve heard about it (because I’m terrible at following up with people, that too shall change!) But I’m super happy for you! Hang on to those happy feelings, and everything will straighten itself out. Hang in there, Hetty!

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    1. Thanks so much, Joe! The one-day-at-a-time thing is no small thing. Even one hour at a time (that’s how I get through my workday lol). I have a tendency to think of the entire future as one big horrible thing that I have to deal with right now. But I don’t want to waste any more time than I already have. I’m really sorry to hear about your sister. I believe in the power of hope and prayer even if it just buys a little more time. Even if you don’t get that little bit, peace is achievable.

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  16. Ah, fck. I’m with you – I have no clue how people pick dates and plan these elaborate weddings. I guess my life is just different. And so is yours…

    People seem to live with parents longer and longer. I moved out a while back and I’ve been asked to move back in a variety of ways over the years. I didn’t give in because I needed to live my life. Now they’re gone.

    I hope all goes well, but I saw you posted something more recent so I will read up now.

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