It’s been a minute (random craps #785)

~ Hetty Eliot

You know what your brain looks like on drugs. This is what your heart looks like on work:

Picture of FitBit app displaying high heart rate.

My FitBit is so proud of how I do forty-five minutes of exercise a day. Too bad it’s just my heart racing. The orange peak is how I start my work day.

I didn’t realize I barely blogged this month. I was under the impression that I was blogging all the time, but apparently that only happened in my head. So here’s some random blurbs:

  • My boss is now at the point where she’s using the security cameras to make her point during arguments with managers and associates alike. Yes, it’s gotten that ridiculous. That’s got to be a violation of one code or another. If it’s written, I’ll find it. And then–nothing will happen.
  • My anxiety is absolutely out of control, and I get really bad derealization, too. I’m not sure if it’s caused by my anxiety or epilepsy medication. My neurologist is always pushing antidepressants, which I won’t take. I’ve been there, done that (before I found out I had epilepsy, I thought the seizures were panic attacks). They just deaden your emotions and make you not care about anything. I’ll never swallow one again. I’m disappointed that my neurologist is relying on such a cop-out response. I also refuse to go to a therapist because all they want to talk about is childhood trauma and how my mind is trying to distance itself from the trauma and that’s why I experience derealization. The trauma is not in my childhood but down the hall watching the security cameras and recording conversations! All joking aside, the derealization wears on a person. Therapists do not understand the physiological aspect of this and the distress it causes. It reminds me of how I used to feel right before a seizure. I wonder how weird I must look when someone’s talking to me and my brain’s flipping through the channels. Sometimes I wish I’d get sick so I could just go home.
  • I’m getting married in two and a half months and have accomplished nothing for it. I haven’t even gone shopping for a dress. My fiance needs a suit and we need to buy rings. (Haven’t paid the church yet, either. Wonder when they’ll notice?) Now the process has been complicated by my fiance’s receiving Bad News about an immediate family member. Capital B, capital N, capital C, bad news. The calculus on many issues has been totally erased and what the future will look like is as yet uncharted.
  • Getting married means moving out. It’s going to be extremely difficult for me and I’ve already shed many tears, yet I have had some breakthroughs in my understanding. Marriage-planning and difficult life events have caused me to “level up” in adulthood, if you will. I’ve been able to have painful conversations without deflecting from my real emotions and getting hostile. Granted, this is like achieving level 5 forty hours into an RPG, but we all grow at our own pace, I guess. I’d like to elaborate on these things in a separate post because they reflect what I believe to be positive changes since previous posts on related issues. Then again, no one likes me when I’m positive.
  • Like the asshole that I am, I agreed to teach another year of CCD (Catholic religion class for children). I’d rather clean the bathroom in Grand Central Terminal after rush hour than do CCD. But the guilt-martyr industrial complex demanded that I do it. I usually teach sixth grade but this year I was rewarded with seventh grade. My inner child was going nuts with terror but when I met them it was really just fine. I think I might marginally enjoy seventh more than sixth since they seem able to read at a first-grade level instead of kindergarten-level. I am not gifted with an ability to teach, and when they sit there staring at me I just want to cry or walk out the door. I define success as their not asking me what time it is. If they want to know what time it is, I failed. If I have to kick them out and we’re the last class to leave, I succeeded.
  • Speaking of Catholic business, I sorta want to start a Catholic-focused blog. There’s so much stuff I’d like to talk about, but I don’t think it would work too well here. Mass, studying, and socializing take up quite a chunk of my life and I don’t really portray that much of it on my blog. (And when I say “socialize” I mean pigging out at receptions and ranting about conspiracy theories with random like-minded individuals.)
  • I’m still working on that crappy-ass story. I never finish anything I start and by gum I’m going to finish this one no matter how long it takes. I took a break from it but got some wind in my sails today, so hopefully I’ll have something to show for it.

Anyways, it’s one o’clock in the morning and that’s all I’ve got at the moment, so toodle-oo.

114 thoughts on “It’s been a minute (random craps #785)”

  1. First thing. 785, pretty specific number right there.

    Second, why do these psychologists sound like they just watched a show, and decided to provide therapy to people? For some reason, this also reminded me of a nasty case of an introverted kid being forced to take medicines just because his parents didn’t thought he was normal, which I read on Susan Cain’s book.

    Third, it is surprising to me how similar our socializing is. though in my case, I rant less about conspiracy theories, and more about history, narrative, and of course, plot and character developments of a movie / book / TV show. I’m weird like that. I even call improving myself as character development!
    Also, I’m hoping to not get married in the future, so I hope I’ll never gain so many levels in so little amount of time. But hey, here’s hoping to an awesome wedding for you.

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    1. You’re right about the therapists. I swear that keeping their license must be dependent upon their using the word “boundaries” at least ten times a session with somebody. And there’s nothing like a good rant, right?

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  2. Hey Hetty, stop dwelling on the perceived negatives. You are doing fantastic. Your boss is an attention seeking vampire and you are the only one dwelling in reality. As you religion and blogs … if you want to do it, then go for it. I follow a blogger called Chelsea and she blogs about being a Mormon. It’s very enlightening. We are all here for you. Kick ass girl 🥳

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    1. Thanks, Deb. I’ll settle for not getting my own ass kicked! I think my biggest fear about a religion blog is people showing up to bash. Sometimes I am up for a fight, but other times I just want to discuss things.

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      2. I wouldn’t mind the religious stuff either. I went to a Catholic university as a Protestant and got married Catholic. Didn’t work out so now I am married to an atheist. Well, the marriage break down had nothing to do with religion. But if you are worried consider doing some posts with passwords and only let those in you know are playing nice. Just a thought. Have a great day despite everything and gratulations to getting married. That’s fantastic 🤩

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        1. Thanks very much Bee. I think I might just write stuff privately and then let it go at some point when I’m ready. I’m glad people like you and Deb can cope with listening to other people, but many people can’t.

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          1. I know, that is why I do not write too much about my beliefes either. It is such a shame that we lost the ability to listen to each other and to agree to disagree. Have a lovely Sunday despite everything 💕

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    1. The doctors don’t even try and pretend it’s not about the drugs. I was with someone at a very “important” doctor and he made no bones about pushing us out of the office because he had a meeting with a drug rep.

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  4. Just googled it. Odd. My guru has been teaching me that this is the consciousness we must strive towards: “…an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, your body or parts of your body, perhaps as if you were floating in air above yourself.”

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    1. Makes sense. I find it odd and maybe a bit disturbing that the “science” of psychology is more or less treating “depersonalization” (what your guru described) as a condition that needs to be “treated.” I’m not a dr. so I caveat that I’m probably way off base here. I’m struggling to understand this. Maybe it is to say, detach yourself a little but continue to pay attention. This is a blog comment, and there’s so much more to say here.

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      1. I think there are multiple things going on. There’s depersonalization as a psychological problem, then there’s depersonalization as a physiological problem, and then there’s depersonalization as a deliberate thought process. I actually think a psychologist, depending on their slant, might go along with the guru idea of detachment and observation. In my case I believe it has a physical cause, whereas they want to trace it to a psychological one.

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            1. Yeah, the idea that in a perfect world everybody manages to gravitate toward a lifestyle and a job that suits their particular temperament. I was lucky enough to be able to do that to a limited extent when I worked for AT&T–a company so large that “there was something for everybody.” Almost. I spent the years from age 17 to 30 just the opposite. I’m not sure how I managed to get through that era, but it seems like most do, somehow. Here’s to luck! And perseverance.

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    2. That sounds more like depersonalization to me. Derealization is that the environment looks weird. I’m still very much “me,” except that “me” is getting progressively unplugged from material reality. It sort of feels like when you’re getting ready to faint. I don’t find it emotionally distressing except in the sense that I don’t want to get sick in front of people (unless that means I can go home from work). Do you really have a guru? I can’t understand wanting to get “out” of yourself–all I want is for my consciousness to be plain vanilla and extra boring!

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      1. No actual guru. But when I listen to a few random podcasts, “getting out of yourself” seems to be the common goal. “You are not your body” type of thing. Although when Ram Dass had a stroke, he recanted: “You’re definitely your body” he said as he couldn’t ambulate any longer.

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  5. I kind of know how you feel. You are NOT crazy. Maybe you’re not crazy enough. Sometimes when I look around at the ridiculous shit going on, I wonder why we are not all sticking our heads out our windows, screaming. Then I think, maybe I better go back and read my Zen book some more.

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                2. …but sometimes I think I’m just a bored dumbass who happens to read a lot…name dropping makes you sound smart. Kanye West just dropped a buncha names on one of his recent interviews and he sounded smart…

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                  1. LOL! Kanye is speaking his truth unafraid and the cancel culture has declared war. He has enough money he can outlast, outwit, and outplay his detractors. You and I, must still figure out if we’ll live longer on oatmeal or grits. We have some regular old living to do inbetween our postulations of perfection. The Void is big and we are small, but the Void doesn’t judge. There is a place for us here.

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                    1. Ironically, Kanye stated in his interview something like ” when black people reach the top they’re afraid to speak out, ’cause they’ll lost everything…” …and now we can witness his prophecy play out for him exactly as he predicted. Me? I gotta hang on to my oatmeal, grits and my last luxury…avocado toast! Me (and most likely you…) do not have billions to put back into the game!

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    2. Alas, most of the people I work with would be sticking our heads out the windows screaming if the building had any windows. That’s what makes it so awful, the tension everyone feels. The world is general is completely insane.

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    1. No. He knows of its existence and I keep him in the loop of the types of characters I consort with and the general themes I write about but I insist on my secrecy right now. He’s fine with that. I however am a shrew and would not be fine if the shoe were on the other foot 😂.

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  7. Did I miss any announcement of your marriage? Because congratulations, first of all. And one line stood out to me (video games, amirite), which is we grow at our own pace. Life is a sandbox game, after all. And all we need to remember is to do our best according to what we can. Wishing you all the best with overcoming your obstacles!

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  8. God knows I love to read amatuer advice. Several things – It’s nice to know what we used to call “out of body experiences” or “astral projection” or “whoa, there’s my (insert dead acquaintance) standing at the foot of my bed talking to me” or good old fashioned daydreaming escapism has medical terminology. They even treat it as a form as AADD or AAHD. Bunk. I’ve been jettisoning reality without drugs since I was born. That’s not to say certain drugs aren’t excellent enhancement vehicles. But I’m such a space case I’m a real lightweight. You’ll finish the crappy ass story. Bargain -You finish that, I’ll finish the detective with the dogs case. As far as a Catholic blog, which would be a gas if it could be true causerie, which I have found impossible on the internet, you can always try and run it like a closed classroom or tell everyone up front no one’s an expert, park your ego at the door. Kind of like an advanced RCIA. I’d like to read the Apocrypha, or at least the 19 books that got axed in the 19th century. We already have more than the protestant bible but all that other history, Old and New? But banging ideas around on the internet is impossible because no one can hear inflection and there are so many sensitive literalists everywhere wearing their feelings on their sleeves that we could name a personality type after the one in here.
    Finish your story. Get married. Move out. Probably do you a world of good. Also, with you on all the anti-depressives/anxiety. Like running in ankle deep mud. The only way to take downers is recreationally, and not very often. Hell, I get high and pass out on a Tylenol.

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    1. My derealization thing isn’t any more spiritually enlightening than a migraine. I’d be happy just to sit by a window with a plant and be left the hell alone. Maybe people don’t need gurus or drugs, maybe just a strong dose of a dying fluorescent light bulb would be enough. One that buzzes if you want a little extra. I’m sick of the antidepressant drug pushers. I know the PC thing to say is “WeLL sOmE pEoPle ReAlLy nEeD tHeM” but I’m not impressed with the drugs’ track record.

      Which is the dog detective story? Is that the one about the dog named Pepper or something?

      Anyway, advanced RCIA, hahaha–now that’s something I’d like to write about. I don’t know how I’d scrabble together an audience that knew what I was talking about (I don’t even know what I’M talking about more than half the time). “Hey everybody, what’s the last Bugnini Surprise you’ve encountered?” It’s sad that the Internet which is so promising in theory doesn’t often live up to its promise. I’ve got to think about it.

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      1. I have been an out the window stare-er forever. Nor is the out of body thing a spiritual event. They just are. The depths of the internet and computers are rarely pushed beyond entertainment, rendering them in the same state of Murrow’s prediction of television… “merely wires and lights in a box.”

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  9. Great conversation here, Hetty. You know how to crank us up and let us go. I listened very carefully to your voice in my reader’s head as I read these various blurbs. For the medical, one thought I would leave you with that will change your life and medical history forever for the good. Get to know your stress intimately. Rid yourself of the chronic cortisol overdose and your life will change. You are smart, you’ll do your homework and figure it all out.

    For the religious blog. Hell yea. I’d go for that. Religion in practice is similar to philosophy in that there is a set of rules for specific outcomes but every known philosopher in history has disposed of the one before them and then introduced their own logic. Virtually all philosophers were dead wrong but out of all the wasted effort, humanity has learned the proper way to examine a hypothesis and test it’s logic until recently and we have all gone back to being dead wrong. However, a careful examination of the uncontaminated teachings and the beauty of the story of our search for salvation is indeed the greatest story ever told. When we look back at St. Augustine and Thomas Aquinas we see that their questioning of common belief set the stage for a revolution in theology and the concept of God. So why not examine religion for what good can be found, which is more pure intent than arguing ideologies of disbelief. I’d love to read what you would present regarding your Catholic faith. I’m always up for learning.

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    1. Good advice. Noah Yuval Harari put religion in its place for me: something to simply bring people together. That’s the sole and only benefit. People congregate, share, talk, feed, breed. Where it went all wrong was when the different groups started competing for resources, fighting over which God was the true God, and killing each other. Slaughtering each other. I no longer believe it was fighting over whose God was the one true God tho…it was all about land, resources, wood, oil, seeds, wealth, power, control. The God angle was to assemble the masses under a simple concept they could both understand and rally around enough to dies for. Now we need a new social construct before we all die…otherwise we’ll drag 18th century notions to other planets. ‘Nuff said.

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      1. “Now we need a new social construct before we all die…otherwise we’ll drag 18th century notions to other planets.” This quote is Worth writing down in a safe place to read over and over again. I do believe we need a new paradigm. I see humanity and all the eons we warred with our ignoble inner monkey and the All Thing of the Spiritual Void that we do indeed hold on to the vulgar, debunked, heretical, superstition as strongly as those first humans that carved a bead and called it magic. Maybe that is the intent of our existence or maybe we are diseased beyond salvation. I’ve tried a life time to train my monkey but I’m still a monkey only I do see the beauty in small things and if we examine that one most powerful consciousness we have blamed on religions and Gods long dead and currently dying, we might find it’s us. We did this, we own it, so why not work on fixing it or we can let it all go and trust our unfettered monkey to masturbate our lives away and if any monkey survives, they can work it out with supreme consciousness, or a club upside the other monkey’s head. It might be a choice rather than a preordained destiny. That said, I’m fascinated by religion in its purest form prior to implementation by wads of ego masturbating monkeys. Geez, I bet Akira would have a shorter and simpler, more profound point of view.

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                  1. Were we a literate society everyone would be acquainted with Vonnegut’s “Cat’s Cradle” and religion celebrating its own fallaciousness and the blame game. What really rally’s the troops is a common enemy.

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                    2. True. And we’re currently being primed for the “false flag” of an alien invasion to further increase our military budget. But who knows? Maybe it’s not a false flag at all…

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          1. Hi Roy! Welcome to our Café Klatch philosophy group. Akira is George F’s protagonist AI in his novel. She often refers to humanity as insects and she is the Pest Control. She never bloviates profusely like I do. She makes a short statement that pretty much covers a given subject. I’m pretty jealous of her skill at clear and concise statements.

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        3. All joking aside, I often think of humans as just fancy apes. It actually disgusts me to watch apes. Of all animals to evolve from. Certainly teaches you not to be arrogant. That is one of the attractions of elaborate religious rituals to me–apes don’t engage in those activities. People use “sheep” as an insult but I’d rather be a sheep than something that poops in its hand and flings it.

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          1. I have to agree on the monkey poop mania that has taken over the world. There is so much Poo flying across the room, it’s impossible not to get hit. And you are correct. We seem to be the only monkey with an organized view of religion.

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          2. If it disgusts you to watch apes, it’s because ‘the truth hurts.” I see the poop slinging as a clever respone to captivity…in captivity, poop is ‘prolly the only remaining weapon to keep those other intrusive, hairless apes away from you at a very safe distance. I mean, they locked you up…what will they do next? Experiment on your genitals? Poop slinging seems preferred.

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            1. Dude, monkeys do that too… I was watching a video on YouTube of actually cute monkeys, and then was recommended a video about a monkey and a squirrel. Long story short the squirrels were sent away to a sanctuary 😨🤢🤮😭😭😭

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    2. I think you could be onto something with the cortisol thing. From a quick Google search it seems it couldn’t hurt to act as though it were the case. I actually have a degree in philosophy. (I work in retail because of my other degrees in political science. They keep me one step above eating out of a trashcan, which is what the philosophy degree qualifies you for). Most of it I’ve forgotten, though once in a while something bubbles up. I’ve decided that 95% of philosophy since the Enlightenment is just men trying to work out their Sky Daddy issues.

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      1. Hi Hetty, yes, cortisol is your best friend for 20 minutes. After that, it gets hard on all your life support systems including the main computer. I do think a Philosophy degree is helpful in developing an analytical mind. With Philosophy and Politics, you have the perfect education to be an activist or a case officer in the State Department assigned to the embassy of choice. First, you can identify a potential World Leader Sky Daddy conundrum, solve it, publish it, and teach it. It might not help with stress reduction if you have a heavy speaking engagement schedule. But, you’ll be eating caviar instead of cat food. My favorite realization was All of the philosophers were wrong but they forced people to think harder to be right. I bet none of them would like me and my misbehaving monkey postulation. With world religions from say 30,000 BCE to present we can see our personal belief more clearly. In my own internal university of the Void, I find learning about and understanding different religions doesn’t threaten my own religious beliefs. In fact, it illuminates the common ground as well as the differences. I think you would make a great moderator of critical thinking.

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        1. Think of the centuries of all the brainpower and intellectual thought directed at philosophies. religions, etc…was all that brain power wasted merely conjuring more fantasies about the existence of God, or has it actually lifted mankind out of the poop slinging ape phase to the interplanetary phase…where we can fulfill our destiny spreading consciousness throughout the universe? Did we need those fantasies about God to bring us to a science that agrees multi-dimensions are possible and ponder in a serious fashion whether we’re living in a simulation?

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          1. I would say the short answer is yes to entering the interplanetary phase although we must give credit to humankind’s constant search for orgasm which results in about 160 million births per year on average. This renewable resource has a chance of producing several light beings per year. The long answer is a chilling adventure into theoretical geometry and statistics. Geometry describes in stunning accuracy all things that exist in the known universe from black holes that cover a few trillion light years in dimensional space to the energy constituents of sub atomic particles. These aren’t really mysteries, what is mysterious is the fantastical creations we make in our minds and are willing to die for that don’t exist in any form except in that tiny space in a cramped cranium. And here is the scary part. Statistically speaking, the poop slingers are the central tendency for human nature covering about %99.99966 of the population. When we move six sigma to the right of the central tendency we find humans that are truly enlightened and transformed in some way physically, or mentally, or both. An example would be Einstein, Michelangelo, or a large breasted female working for Cirque Soleil in the aerial acrobatics show. On the left six sigma deviation of the central tendency we find the humans that are born without a conscience, internal dialog, or ability to interact usefully with other humans. An example here would be a male porn star with a 15 inch talent or members of the US Senate and Congress for both parties. Recently the Supreme Court was added to the 50 volume list of abject morons. These are the extremes at six sigma deviation but if we add the entire population which has reached 8 billion recently, we find that the truly transformed and enlightened humans at any given point in the present at 0.00034% or 2.7 million real honest to god virtuous humans. The rest of us are just chaff blowing in the wind serving no useful purpose other than the continuum of what Buddha called samsara, the pettiness of everyday life or rat race, if you will. That’s a lot of poop slingers with varying degrees of poop slinging ability. Here is where the geometry comes into play. The tightly controlled RNA geometry passed on through copious copulation has a six percent error rate in recombination to form the human embryo. This means that the poop slinging Gene which is our normal state can be adjusted with unknown results. This makes me think that those who live that are Godlike in our fantasy filter are actually aberrations in the process of human propagation. What this ultimately means is we just need to get back to throwing monkey turds and stop this ridiculous advancement of humanity crap. 🙉🙈🙊🐒🦍🦧🍑🍆🧌

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              1. LOL! I hope everyone knows I’m as full of stuffing as a Thanksgiving turkey. Hey this tour is about having fun until Hetty kicks me out for being too rowdy.

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                  1. I appreciate that Hetty. You may have to step in if we get too rowdy up in here. Otherwise, this is a great place to hang out and read our manifestos to each other.

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              1. Thank you Hetty, there is some truth to the statistics but I intended it more for fun than actual buzz kill. The fact is, humans can really make stuff happen fast when they band together. Holding on to our greatest virtues is hard work, but it’s doable if we try and place value on the proper things. With our current trend in divergence and cross purpose, it makes things harder than it should be.

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                  1. It really is. Anyone who is vaguely familiar with human history could come to the conclusion the dookie slingers have taken over earth. Where oh where is my real daddy from the other end of the galaxy?

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    1. Hey long time no see. You sum it up pretty well–major life changes and old patterns. Thanks for the congrats. I’ve gone around the sun just enough times now to finally realize that things do eventually calm down. Only to start up again, of course (but that way of thinking is an old pattern).

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  12. Been a minute…? Let’s make it five next time.
    (jk. It’s like, whoa, people live like this? And I thought I had it intentionally hard by being an existential Nihilist.)

    “Hey,” me tapping me on the shoulder, “can you ease up on the self torture?”
    “What? Hell no. How else are you supposed to feel alive except through self-induced misery?”

    Here’s a thought… What if you flung your resume’ out into the marketplace? Maybe you’d get a bite and then you’d really have to come to grips with just how much angst you’re willing to endure.

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    2. Hi Moley, nice to see you. I only stay in that shithole for purely logistical reasons. When I move, I won’t have a ready ride to work. But my fiance lives literally one minute from my job. Not driving is crippling for independence but it’s not in the cards for the near future. I have a license which I keep up by someone else driving me to the DMV to renew every so often 😂. Although I vent a lot here, I’m impressed with myself with just how much I’ve learned to endure over the years. But how much I’m *willing* to endure is another matter. I promise I will never put up with this again just because I can.

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  13. Interesting. I kinda know what you are talking about a bit with the stress/work combo. If you hate it, or something about it, enough, it’s like going into a battlefield everyday. I have had my own run ins with anxiety (hello troll back monkey) and depression and it does feel like the good ol’ pill is always the first round of doctor prescribed defense. Which sucks. I’d read some more on the Cortisol thing mentioned above an you can always check out CBT and ACT resources on your own, but you likely already have, so probably don’t need my armchair advise on that topic. Ha ha ha. 🙂 As a gamer, I really appreciated your RPG analogy. Gratz on the level up. I would still like you when you are positive, and I feel like it seems all of those commenters above would too. I get it though, I always worry that when I put out a Pollyanna spin on my posts people will roll their eyes and click away and never come back, but I’m gonna try and do it anyway. Don’t worry about what people think, and test the waters by chumming them with some happy crappy. Call it an experiment and see, you might get more than sharks. Lol. ok, I need to stop my metaphor-apalooza. Speaking of experiments, I’d also be interested in a religion blog done by you. I think most people tend to be very interested in the theories and history around that subject, and likely less receptive to the personal judgements and proselytizing that we sometimes think would follow, but I think you would make it intelligently and interesting, so I’d have to check it out. Also curious, did you just watch Miss Meadows? Lol, she says toodle-oo a lot in the movie so it popped in my head. lol. I have horror on the brain, forgive me. Good luck with your story!

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    1. Ha, I enjoyed reading this comment very much. Trust me, people will complain about negativity but in reality they are not happy with anything less than blood. There’s a fine line to walk between whining and venting and people will let you know which side you came down on. But I think it’s permissible to be happy once in a blue moon 😉. I think being an over-thinker makes my anxiety worse because I’m continually anticipating things before they even happen. I think people don’t quite understand what I mean with the derealization thing. It’s not an emotional thing, it’s physical, almost like a migraine aura but not as bad or when you’re going to faint. Oh well. Btw I never heard of Miss Meadows, I don’t really watch tv or movies much.

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      1. Lol. Thanks! And Agree. I haven’t heard much about derealization, but it sounds or feels like something vaguely familiar. I have had some issues with anxiety manifesting from just the in your head crazy hamster wheel goodness to dizziness and other less fun physical reactions from time to time which just makes it all the more intense and distressing. I think what happens to people and how they interpret it is often extremely unique to the person. Which can make it all the more confounding when we don’t understand, or fit in the box people want to put you in so they can understand. Hope it gets better though. Gasp! Not much for TV and movies? Say it aint so! Lol. Oh wait, perhaps that means you have a real life and stuff. Cool! 😉

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        1. I didn’t say I don’t watch anything, just not tv and movies! I spend most of my time watching YouTube, which proves I have even less of a real life than I let on. Anyways, I totally understand the anxiety symptoms, I go through that myself too. What happens to you?

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          1. Ah, yes. I have fallen down the YouTube rabbit hole often. There’s just so much to watch! For me it always starts with panic, and it increases if/when I can’t calm it down successfully. I’ve gotten a lot better at it, I’m happy to say, but generally it just likes to go from uncomfortable to attack mode. Which makes breathing difficult, my chest gets too tight, and then I get light headed, and then I panic some more. Quite disturbing to go through around people, as I tend to tear up and feel like a freakazoid, although I’m sure it’s only noticeable once I get teary and gaspy, and I’m usually able to squirrel myself away somewhere for that. So yeah, just mostly sucky all around.

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  14. It is always nice to catch up with your life.

    Can meditation help ?

    I am sure your marriage plans will all be fine .
    I did quite get what’s going with your fiancé’s family.

    Your boss.. Well.. let’s pray for her.

    Ps… I so relate to this ” I didn’t realize I barely blogged this month. I was under the impression that I was blogging all the time, but apparently that only happened in my head..’.. 😆 🤣 😂 😹 😆

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    1. No, I really thought I was blogging! I was like, wow I’m really on a roll. A little scary, but anyway. I think my boss is the hardest person to pray for! It hurts! When I teach religious education, before we start with prayer I have said to the students, Think of the person you dislike more than anyone else. And now you have to say a prayer for them! Maybe you’ll find you won’t dislike them so much anymore if you keep up with it. But oh it’s so hard! But that’s where the rubber hits the road, I guess. Anyways, I ought to make more time for peaceful things than spending time doing nonsense. I appreciate your reassurances.

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      2. That is a fascinating exercise praying for someone you dislike. I appreciate the goal, but I feel like it would be hard not to detour into “may my awful coworker develop horrific cystic acne and also finally get fired” territory. I mean, I’d have a hard time praying for anything good for the one former coworker I truly hated. But I appreciate the value of the exercise.

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        1. I don’t really wish ill on anybody, I usually wish they’d just get out of my life forever. It’s hard to wish her well because it almost feels like I’m capitulating or letting her win. But I don’t want to be consumed with hate like she is. How about just splitting the difference–wish the person well and ask them to get the hell away 🙂

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  15. There is a lot going on!
    That is wild about such lousy care from the doctors. I thought it was en vogue for the doctors to at least pretend to listen to you.
    Re: wedding, you can totally do this! If you aren’t dead set on a particular style of dress/suit/ring, it is absolutely possible to find something at like a David’s Bridal or even department stores can have good options, especially this time of year when everyone’s shopping for holiday party outfits. Totally get the physical and mental transition of moving out after marriage – it’s exciting but also it’s definitely a change.
    I’d enjoy reading about the Catholicism/religious stuff on this blog or on another blog.
    Oh also, I’m sorry to hear about your fiance’s family member with the bad news. I’ll keep them in mind for prayers for healing.
    I’ll end with this: I like you being positive or being negative when you need to be – more importantly, I like you, so I want positive things to happen for you.

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    1. Thanks JYP, I appreciate your kind thoughts. There are just so many things to consider right now! I told my direct manager that I’ve got a lot going on and need to be able to make appointments and it’s hard because I don’t have a schedule. I am lucky because she is very flexible and willing to work with people and doesn’t get bent out of shape about having someone there every second. Sometimes I just need to grow a spine and speak up, too.

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    1. I think about it a lot. If I do, the tenor will feel rather different from this blog. I ask myself, what kind of audience do I want to attract versus what I’ll probably actually get? How much will I need to justify everything I say or can I just take things for granted because I’m writing about my own experience? How will i handle the inevitable hot-button issues and insults that arise? It’s a lot to think about. I might just write things privately and when the time comes, release it.

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