What is there to say?

As I alluded to in my last post, I’ve got a lot of stuff on my mind. Dad is not feeling well, fiance is experiencing major disappointment at work, wedding planning is completely undermined by everyone else, work is work, sister & co are increasingly trying to estrange themselves for zero reason, and other assorted things I can’t think of right now. I have tons of muscle tension, even in my face. I shudder to think what a twisted freak I must look like before I catch myself.

One of our favorite rituals on a Sunday is to take a ride to Barnes & Noble and blow a paycheck (well, it’s pretty easy with my check, anyway). Fiance and I are creatures of ritual. I like rituals because it helps cement happy feelings. Try something new on a good day, make it a grand day, and so you’ll have it to fall back on when things aren’t going so good. It’s not something you can force though. You just have to create the right conditions. But even on a scheduled bad day, like say for instance you have to go to yearly doctor appointments for something serious, try and find something fun to do after.

Sometimes these bad things can bring a certain poignance to your life. The good moments feel as delicate as the wings of a rare butterfly and just as beautiful. Let it land on your knuckle and don’t disturb it–just enjoy it for that brief moment, and don’t cry until it leaves because you know it may not be alive before the day is ended. We’re all going to die and who knows when? The worse things are that swirl around you, the more peaceful the center if you allow it. When I don’t allow it, I explode with irritation as soon as I walk into work, but other times I find myself smiling almost painfully at other people, as I listen to them tell me this or that about their life, suddenly not hating them but feeling a sort of compassion for their own travails. It all seems so pitiful sometimes, we pilgrims on this hellish earth.

My fiance is a special ed teacher, and recently he was moved from teaching a contained classroom of intellectually disabled and medically handicapped students to pushing into regular classrooms to assist mainstreamed special ed students. This is devastating to him. And to me as well because I feel it as strongly as if it happened to me. At church there is a little girl who appears to have Down syndrome. Her mother holds her hand and brings her to the front pew. The girl looks around, and her mouth is usually somewhat agape. All I can think is how if she were in high school, she would be in his class, and she would die laughing from his jokes and songs, and he would know how to interpret everything she was trying to say.

Nothing is fair.

I don’t want to get too much into it right now, because it will take more articulating and I can’t write it without bawling, but I am very worried about moving away from home when I get married. I’ve lived in this house for over twenty years–there are so many memories, good and bad. We got a beloved cat only a couple of weeks after we moved in because I begged and begged for a dog and then we came home with a cat. I had him from thirteen to almost thirty. He was everything to me. There’s not an inch of the house that doesn’t have something to do with him. My father is also very upset about my leaving. I was fighting with him ostensibly about something else, and my mother said, he just can’t imagine you not being here.

I’ve sort of resigned myself to crying every day. To hell with ugly puffy eyes. That’ll just be my new look, I guess.

So now I’ve broken my personal rule and talked way too many details about family but that’s just how it is right now, and it’s too difficult to be vague about it. Wish I could be more entertaining.

34 thoughts on “What is there to say?

  1. Hey Hetty, try to not let it get on top of you. Focus on the positives, just like you said enjoy that butterfly and seriously to hell with the haters … the haters are gonna hate regardless

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Butterflies are such cliche right 🤣🤣 but I feel that I’m not responsible for anything I write after midnight. Much more liberating that way. Haters do hate–I would know, I’m one of them!

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    1. Thanks, Tanish. I’m sorry you were so scarred by your family’s wedding drama. It’s pretty cliché to say cherish every moment, but it doesn’t feel like it when the shit hits the fan. It’s easy to say when everything’s going good and there’s lot to cherish. It can be hard not to allow sadness to ruin everything.

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  2. This is a lot and it’s hard. Wedding drama is hard. It’s hard to watch family members struggle with a health issue or struggle with interpersonal relationship issues. It’s hard to watch your significant other be upset about a job issue – even if it’s not your job, you feel it listening to your partner and watching his disappointment (I’ve definitely been there). It’s hard to leave the place you’ve called home for so long. Even if you’re excited to get married and start another chapter, it’s still hard. I remember shortly before I left for college, my mom and I fought like crazy. It was totally uncharacteristic because we generally got along really well, but we were just driving each other crazy about the stupidest things. Mom’s theory was that we were doing it subconsciously in order to make the moving process easier. Are you and your fiancé moving far away? Will you still have opportunity to come back and visit your family home? Anyway, all of this is to say that your feelings are completely valid. Reading this, I wish I could do something to cheer you up. Take you out for Barnes & Noble, coffee, dessert, venting, and just a bit of snark. That sort of thing. *hugs*

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    1. Coffee and venting is part of the ritual too. Trust me I’m a great bitching-buddy. Much sought-after, actually. Maybe the drama is a little in excess because my fiance only lives a mile away (and he lives thirty seconds from my job which is good for me because I don’t drive). If I have a choice between making lunch for myself and hopping on the bus for ten minutes to be given a homemade meal, it’s very easy. I didn’t expand on it because of time but I jumped from house to cat to dad because my cat had a lot of major medical problems and the three of us went through a lot. I could write a book just on those travails. Same thing with my grandmother. I think a lot of the fighting is subconscious, too. I forget what happened recently but he didn’t say good night to me for a few nights in a row, which is weird because he’s the type to stay up to two o’clock in the morning having drama until everyone hugs and makes up. He also said something recently offhand like, “Oh, I don’t need to walk you down the aisle or anything, I don’t care about stuff like that,” and I didn’t even get mad because I knew exactly what he meant by that.

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  3. So many quotable quotes here. What I sense is a lot of compassionate synergy with you and your Fiancé. That’s a good thing. I sympathize with your Dad not being able to fathom you not being there. My daughters are 31 and 35. The oldest has two daughters 11 and 15. I have done all I can to keep them from growing up and moving out but ultimately lost the battle. I was happiest when they all lived here because one, I love them dearly, and two, they were a real blast to have around. While most parents struggle trying to get the kids out as quickly as possible, I wanted them to stay. After I lost the battle of Peter Pan, I signed a treaty that allows the girls to come back at any time for any reason. I have two generations of toys, games, art supplies and always keep their favorite food fully stocked. Their rooms are pristine chapels dedicated to their memory and repeated use. I love them. I know I have to pretend to be a stoic stalwart of discipline and maintain my warrior ethos, but it’s an act for their sake. You express this change eloquently and with genuine understanding of the gut wrenching effects of change and progress. If you manage to get through the swirlies without losing yourself or any important clothing necessary for proper public decorum, you win. You made it. There will be scratches and dents, no doubt. But, you made it to the next level and that is worth all the love, memories, and pesky swirlies of the past. You are going to be okay and so is your dad. Sneak up on him one day and give him a random hug. Remind him he isn’t letting go, he’s gaining a great son in law and who knows what the future will bring?

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    1. I’ve made some colossal life-ruining errors but one box I’ve checked is the relationship one. I’m so lucky, it’s not even funny. We definitely have a great synergy and know that if we are to die in an accident, we’ll still be joking about something as we bleed our lives out on the pavement.

      I’m not surprised you have two daughters. There’s something about fathers with daughters that elevates their understanding about certain things. People who only have sons seem to always be ready to kick them the second they turn eighteen. Your comments always make me wanna cry. To me the center of experience is the human factor. That’s why your posts have resonated so much with your readers.

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      1. Colossal life-ruining errors are a sign of someone not afraid to live in the moment and pay the dues later when there is time to ruminate on such things as fond memories and regret. I got a face ache smiling at the thought of light banter in a final dark moment. That’s the way I always planned to go out. I am strangely drawn to the things people from all walks of life, culture, and land taught me and I am even more strangely compelled to share those things. I guess in our writerly world there is nothing quite so satisfying as finding a way to resonate with our readers. I always credited my success as a leader of young men and women in the military and later in civilian life to the lessons my daughters taught me about the importance of my role in their lives. They always had my undivided attention, sometimes accompanied by a robust OMG or WTF.

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        1. Resonating with readers is my favorite part about this. When I think about writing, I don’t really see myself as a storyteller of any kind. I just feel a vibration of one thing or another and try my best to put it into words that hopefully someone else will understand. Things that are human and run below the surface of our walks of life.

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          1. You have the gift of resonating. Your readers are much more engaged than other blogs I read. Your writing style is precise and flows like conversation. I thought you were a pro writer when I first read your blog. I hope you will continue as long as you are rewarded by your effort. I think you are helping us all unwind and heal those knots that form in our consciousness from trying to make it through the day.

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              1. You are a gracious hostess to a great place for us all to gather and speak our minds. It’s good fun and we all learn from each other. When I depart, I feel a little more connected to a lovely world a I’ve never seen but enjoyed.

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  4. Life is full of challenges or opportunities. When you move home you can visit your parents weekly, they can visit you weekly, it will become a different special. But will be special all the same. Having your place will force you more into more rituals. And you will have less time to think about stuff. You’ll be more organised and you will achieve more.

    Do you remember my last newsletter, and emotional pain cause physical pain, because our brain is trying to help us. Remember!

    See the positive and opportunities in all the mess. Believe there something good in all of this, even fiancé job change. Then even though it might feel hard to see, you automatically feel better and more hopeful and positive. In a weird way it works.

    Trust me.
    Hugs always

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My fiance only lives a mile from my house so I’ll certainly be able to visit… Heck my parents will probably want lots of family dinners, which is A-okay by me because I don’t like cooking, I much prefer someone else cooking for me. I think having my own space will allow me to be more productive, as well. I spend so much time at his place every day anyway that I have a lot of my life set up here already. My poor brain is not good at helping, that’s why I depend on all of you to tell me what to do! I’m trying to find the good in the changes in his job. He’s good with the students and I know they’ll love him, so who knows, maybe there are new ones who need his help.

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  5. As one of your twenty-odd therapists, I must say, change is hard, crying is cathartic, the world IS fair — all molecules will eventually get the same treatment — annihilation, and lastly, it’s high time to grow the hell up. Kisses.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I shall certainly not grow up. Somebody has to carry the torch for all the bleeding hearts. I once saw an obese woman buying a cake and I started crying because it was so pitiable and I felt sorry for all of us.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. You don’t have to entertain us. This is your blog, your weblog. Log stuff that happens in your life as you see fit. I moved this year. It’s unsettling, but it’s also a chance to purge items that no longer suit you, to start a new and good habit in a new place.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Howdy Priscilla. It’s been so long since I last moved. I guess I’m the type to get very hung up on memories. 🤔 I’m not good at purging either. The move-out process is going to take some time. You accumulate a lot of stuff in twenty-one years. I am indeed hoping to begin better habits, though! Thank you for commenting.

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  7. Sounds like a lot on your plate, but I’m not going to give out any advice, since I don’t have any. What I do have, though, is an agreement with doing the new things on good days. Conversely, having a bunch of low-energy tasks to do on the sucky days (which help keep you on track) is also a good way to get through life. Hope that the storm passes for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Low energy tasks to keep on track is always a winning strategy, in my experience. I’m even a believer in going through the motions because it keeps up the momentum. And in crazy times, we have to have some kind of regularity and routine to anchor ourselves when every day is bringing its own new brand of insanity. Thanks for your good wishes.

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