Ugh… family and wedding drama.

~ Hetty Eliot

Just a quick late-night follow-up rant to this one about family drama… Please don’t feel compelled to comment–it’s just the same old, same from me–you don’t need to humor me. There is some poor soul out there, I know it, who’s in the middle of family drama and maybe they’ll benefit from seeing they’re not alone. It helps me to know I’m not alone. When you don’t realize other people go through the same stuff you’re going through, you feel isolated and wrong. Wrong in the sense that you are uniquely cursed and defective. Everyone else has an Instagram life, but you, you’re just plain screwed up. So to the poor soul–you’re not the only one.

So I got caught in the middle of my mother’s/sister’s drama yet again, this time because one of them made a hurtful comment about yours truly and I made the mistake of confiding about it. It is a wedding-related matter… It’s amazing all the things that come out of people when someone is getting married. So many opinions and demands. True colors emerge. No, that isn’t really fair of me–it’s best to deal with these things with a shrug and hold nothing against people. Why bother? Why bother having bad blood and tension? They don’t really mean what they said. There are so many other painful things out of my control that it makes zero sense to hold grudges. I don’t even like it. Yes–believe it or not, I don’t like carrying grudges. I hate carrying pain that’s out of my control, but I hate grudges. Besides, there are so many people walking around this earth who have every right to hold grudges against me, so it’s best to create positive vibes on my end.

Okay, so the wedding crap–I was never one of those girls who dreamed about getting married. Oh, I wanted a boyfriend–that’s all I cared about from the time I realized you could like boys differently than girls. I never had anything but one particular boy or another on my brain. But I didn’t want to have a wedding–just wanted a boyfriend. I had Barbie dolls, of course, with beautiful wedding dresses, who would marry a male Disney character doll (yes I had to specify the gender), but they usually wound up divorced due to a certain gossiping Beanie-Baby squirrel.

For a long time, I planned on eloping or going to a Justice of the Peace, but a number of years ago I converted to Catholicism and it is important to me to get married in a church. All I want to do is exchange our vows, have Mass, and move on with the rest of my day. I want to remember my day as a quiet ceremony followed by Mass, and then a quiet luncheon. And then whatever else happens on a wedding day.

But no–everyone else has opinions of what THEY believe the wedding day should be about. This comes from both sides of our families. Certain people want to pack the church. First of all–I don’t want a huge wedding. I go to a super conservative traditional church and I don’t have confidence that people will be able to comport themselves appropriately. I want to show my face again the following Sunday. And I’m not projecting uncharitable thoughts–I have been to other weddings and seen how people act; and even more relevantly, I haven’t met one family member that likes the traditional Latin Mass. In fact, they tell me they hate it. Wait till they find out the ceremony happens in the first ten minutes and then proceeds with Mass entirely in Latin. It is not some giant spectacle focused on the bride and her dress and the stupid kiss. No winks, no nods. I don’t want Mass to be about me. Mass is about God. That’s why I like the traditional form.

Then, the reception. I have finally, with much resistance, conceded to a big reception but I’d like to have it in the spring (we are getting married in January) when it’s easier for people to travel. Plus it divorces the party from the actual wedding. I absolutely despise huge parties and do everything I can to get out of them. Why do I need a stomachache and a migraine on my wedding day? I’m the Bridezilla, right? Well, this Bridezilla just wants a peaceful exchange of vows and Mass and that’s it. You can have your big party later so you can get shit-faced all you want. Because let’s face it–all people care about is the reception.

Oh, dear friends, what have I written about? It’s late and I’m just going to publish–not going to spend days looking at this in order to ultimately never post it. All I want is peace with as little agita as possible. What a ridiculous demand.

PS. I discovered a technique for not acting like a big asshole during family drama! Well, it worked on the phone but I’m sure it’s adaptable. I was in the car when trying to calm one of them down, and was watching myself in the side view mirror. I realized that I don’t want to see my face when I’m acting like a crazy jerk, so I kept a pleasant look on my face which helped me say the right things.

64 thoughts on “Ugh… family and wedding drama.”

  1. I remember attending a family wedding in Kelowna B.C. in the Okanagan Valley in 2009.

    It was the most pagan and heathen oriented ritual I ever attended.

    After seeing that, I realized how blessed a traditional Christian wedding ceremony is.

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  2. Ooooohhhhh boy, my sister got married November of last year, and let me tell you.

    As someone was watching everything from the sideline, I did not like what I saw the lead up to that event at all. This also pretty much made me say “Fuck that.” To ever getting married, and if I am getting married (check me for love potions and alike,) there won’t be a party, at all.
    Sorry for cursing. But I couldn’t find any other way to express my feelings there.

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    1. I remember when my sister got married, although that was nearly nineteen years ago. I was in high school and really didn’t care about wedding stuff. (It’s REALLY scary I was in high school that long ago.) There was a little drama but not too much. We don’t have a lot of family on my side, and her husband doesn’t have a large family either, so it was sort of just a normal size, whatever normal is. I wonder if there was more pressure in your family because it was about the bride which usually attracts all the drama.

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  3. Oh gosh, you do not need to feel bad about posting this! Weddings make people crazy. And it sucks when there’s existing drama and/or a mismatch of religious/cultural expectations. And sometimes people are just selfish and inconsiderate – it’s your wedding and what you & your fiance want should matter more than what other people think. I think your wedding plans sound lovely. Split up the ceremony and reception if it’s more meaningful/ more comfortable for you. But yeah, I totally get that this is so stressful to deal with. I’d take you out for coffee and girl talk if I could – here’s a coffee emoji β˜• and my best wishes for wedding planning that’s as drama-free as possible!

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    1. Thanks JYP 😊. Amazing how much craziness and selfishness comes out during these moments. I think I’m settled on splitting it up. I just want a nice quiet day, and then I don’t have to worry and stress about so many things going on. I can focus on the wedding itself, and then gear myself up for a party later on. If I manage to get out of this, this will be my greatest feat of getting out of something that I ever achieve (and I get out of everything, believe me).

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  5. I’m not sure I can offer much on this one, I eloped. Didn’t tell anyone and went back to work on the Tuesday. Best thing i ever did. I think the importance of the moment can be lost when everyone else is trying to orchestrate what they think makes the perfect wedding. It’s your day, do what you want and if they become pains, tell them not to come

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    1. About the importance–that’s it exactly. It’s not about all the hoopla for me, it’s the wedding ceremony itself and I don’t see why it needs to provide entertainment and glory for the family. I love the eloping story, though–most people are happy they did it.

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    2. Actually, people at work (who are also waiting impatiently for me to get married as though any of them are being invited) have commented that one day I’ll probably come into work and casually be like, “Oh, I’ve been married for a while now.”

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          2. My first job after college I looked around the office and said to myself: “Wtf? I thought everyone who had a job was SMART. I wouldn’t even hang around these people in high school.” So I didn’t.

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      1. Confession time: I am a dance party fiend. I will dance hard at a wedding (in an appropriate, not out-of-control drunk, way. Just felt like I should clarify). Like this is my favorite part of other people’s weddings and my own.

        But guess what – Even crazy dance-party weirdo that I am, I’m happy for the couple and I want them to be happy. I recently went to the wedding of a dear friend where the focus was on the ceremony and a nice sit-down luncheon, and there was no dancing whatsoever. And yet, I am still thrilled for my friend. I still had a great time at the wedding. We are still friends.

        Moral of the story: Just because they want a party does not mean you actually have to give them one. You don’t! They’ll survive! And they’ll still be happy for you!

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        1. As I’m sure you recall, I am not a dancer (unless I am alone and lip-syncing, as I did this morning with my banana as my microphone). I don’t mind there being a big party as long as it’s on a different day. I like the luncheon idea very much.

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    1. My bitch face is not restful, it actually seems to be quite active judging by how people behave. My church is next to the train tracks so it’s not like it isn’t an option for me to jump. By the way–I sent you a comment on one of your posts (I forget which one).

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          2. Glad to see you here. I have always loved the rituals of the church. I love hearing about other people’s religion and their world views. I live in an area where there are no Catholics. I watch mass on Youtube these days. This is what I sent you

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  9. Hi Hetty,

    I’m waiting here, in Mexico. Waiting for you to be great. I’m waiting for both of us to be great. I’m waiting for my dogs to stop barking, for my cats to stop sharpening their claws. I’m waiting for the end of the world. There is no escape from waiting. Beckett already has that one covered. Actions and words are becoming obsolete, like mail or the occasional polite word. I was reading Wm. Blake and he hated marriage, due to the supervision of the church and the state. He wanted people to fuck whoever they wanted. He tried to bring a second woman into his marriage, but wife was having none of that. Does it matter if you and I write? I think you would so no, it doesn’t. If so, I agree. Of course, I’m talking about that point where the metaphysical and the mundane meet, you know where they collide in those quiet moments of our desperation. I hide my desperation. I present well. I think we are alike in that sense. Per usual, this comment does not deal directly with your post, but you must believe me it is inspired by it. I’m sure you have heard the Dead Can Dance. Anyway, here is a good video. Hope you like it. Duke

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    1. Hi Duke, thanks for your comment. I never mind if they deal directly or not. Because I must live in that corner where metaphysical meets mundane, as you put it, otherwise my life wouldn’t amount to very much at all. If I can find something there to show for all the trouble, then it isn’t pointless. I’d probably say it doesn’t matter if I write, but it matters if you do. I think I present well judging by the questions I receive from people when I accidentally let something slip through the crack. It might be hard to tell from the things I write here, but I’m actually quite a hopeful person, and that’s what keeps me from giving up.

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  10. Fucking Beanie-Baby squirrels should keep their mouth shut.

    So, we invited? You know, to the reception, the honeymoon, as blogger-commentators ogling the drunk bridesmaids and scarfing the oi-dervies…

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  11. I’m all for the engaged couple figuring out their own plan for the first of hopefully many conspiratorial ventures. I say suit yourself and let the people in your world understand that the happy couple is just that.

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      1. I know. Once a had some friends who lived in a far away state and kept insisting that I “move out there.” Why? I change my entire life so that I can visit some people I know maybe once every two or three weeks? Doesn’t add up.

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  12. Ahhh, weddings. I always say that if a person can survive a wedding or building a new home, they can survive anything life throws at them. We bi-pedal hominids always think of ways to create unimaginable stress in order to justify our wants. Weddings are a true test of one’s benevolent soul. You are doing the right thing the right way. Stay the course. My older brother converted to Catholicism to marry his wife. She was his first girlfriend and they are still Catholic and still married after 47 years. They had the formal Catholic wedding that lasted 3 hours. There was no reception afterward but we did have a church fellowship at the church, no gifts, no dancing, no alcohol, or illicit drugs just well wishing and the drive away with rice throwing. My wife converted to Catholicism from Buddhism but could not find any Asian Catholic Churches when she moved to America so she eased over into whatever the Korean Community offered. We got married at the county clerks office and went home. We were in a hurry. She was diagnosed with cancer and had no insurance since I was military, we got married and as my wife I could take her to a military hospital 80 miles away. We got r done and she lived happily ever after. Our 33 year is coming up in October. We got married on a Friday the 13 just to be cheeky. We met after I got out of the hospital after a year recovering from some bad bumps and bruises from a little conflict in a place nobody ever heard of. I was physically and mentally wrecked but she was so kind and patient with me. In return, I paid back all the work a lot of people put into me just to keep me on the planet by devoting myself to her get well plan. Now one of us will bury the other one and party like a rock star later at the senior center. Those aggravations of getting to married will fade and you and your hubby can focus on one another and the beauty of being together and learning how not to kill each other for having idiosyncrasies that make each other k k k kwazy! That’s what love morphs to after everything settles down. The absence of crazy and the ability to snuggle no matter what is divine love. Nothing else really matters.

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    1. Thanks so much for sharing that, Hyperion. That’s the kind of thing I believe in. It’s about what happens after “the big day.” Maybe if people spent more time thinking about the, you know, sickness/health, richer/poorer, till-death-do-us-part stuff, rather than who’s sitting where and what alcohol to serve, the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high. The only part of the day that will matter later on is did you mean your vows when you said them. A fancy dress won’t save anybody. It sounds like you’ve got a lot of experience with Catholic converts and their shenanigans.

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      1. You definitely have your focus in the right area. I’m actually feeling happy for you because you already understand what matters and that will carry you through all the stress. Just for fun you can tell all concerned parties you’ve decided on different truly bizarre activities for the wedding and when it eventually goes down quiet and reasonable, they will all be relieved and ready for the next adventure.

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  13. Here in Malaysia, if you mix faith and culture, you get a ton of protocols you need to follow if you want to go the traditional way. So someone could have a church wedding, then move on to the Chinese customs of pouring tea for your in-laws (excluding the morning ceremonies of picking up the bride and ‘persuading’ her out of her room). So yeah, as someone who enjoys simplicity, this can be a daunting prospect. I haven’t thought how it’d be yet, but I do share your sentiments in just wanting to get it done with.

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    1. We don’t have any ancestry-based traditions so at least that’s something I don’t need to worry about. And I am certainly NOT pouring tea for anybody! Maybe that’s that American tradition πŸ˜‰. Although I do love tea.

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        2. Honestly splitting up the ceremony and reception will take a lot of heat off me. His parents are more about the big party anyway. That will be in the spring. I don’t handle a lot of stress and expectations very well.

          Btw–did you see my comment on your blog? My cactus is having a baby!

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