Haven’t been the most prolific blogger as of late, so I thought, why don’t I pop in, say hi, and get back in the game? So, hi. Sometimes I feel embarrassed about posting because I don’t want people to get annoyed with an email or notification. In fact, I’m sitting here right now wondering if people will be annoyed that I made a post just to say something like that. I’ll just have to presume on your good will.
No significant updates on the boss situation. It’s not even funny anymore, if it ever was funny. Joking is a way of coping. But it never improves and I’m just sick and tired of it. She’s on vacation this week THANK GOD. The woman is supposed to get nine weeks off a year and probably only uses two and a half of them.
Anyways, onto a different topic for once.
Believe it or not, I’m actually quite a shy person. I don’t seem terribly shy in person, especially at work, but it takes just about everything in me to pretend not to be. I am afraid of customers and I hate when new hires come in to train because I don’t like meeting so many new people. I get so nervous before I go to work that I cry sometimes and pray they don’t show up. The national employment situation being what it is, my prayer is usually answered. I know it’s pretty sad to be shy at thirty-four years old. Somewhere along the way it stops being quirky and becomes a personality disorder.
Speaking of disorders. Increasingly it’s getting harder to hide my agoraphobia. I much prefer to stay home than go… anywhere. When I do go out, it’s never alone. If I didn’t have my fiance, I’d probably be a shut-in. I shouldn’t have let it get this bad but I’m afraid to go to therapy because they make you do CBT or exposure therapy. I did that back in college when I thought I was having panic attacks, but it didn’t work because they were actually seizures. I spent so many years being afraid of having a seizure in public before I knew what they were that now it’s too late to train myself out of it.
I managed to get my neurologist to write a letter excusing me from jury duty because of the condition. I interned at the court when I was in college, more moons ago than I can count. One time I had a seizure and had to go home sick. Thinking it was a panic attack, I was ashamed and lied that I had a migraine. I don’t think they believed me, and ever after that I had an aversion to the place. I’m utterly useless as far as jury duty is concerned anyway.
In public, the way I deal with this is self-deprecation. Self-deprecation is my way of life. If I can humiliate myself before someone else can, then I can deflect questions and protect the truth about me. Of course, it might sound counterproductive or nonsensical to make up an embarrassing story about myself in order to protect the embarrassing truth, but hey at least it’s my voluntary decision, right? Lying about myself is the only control I have over this. For example, I don’t want to tell people the real reason I don’t drive (fear of seizures and going out alone) so I make a joke about how bad I was at it and how grateful they ought to be that I’m not on the road.
Well, changing gears–the writing situation. It’s clear I’m not blogging as much. I have a ton of things I prepared but never posted and now the moment has passed. I find that if I don’t strike while the iron’s hot, I never will. I enjoy using the “OneNote” program which allows you to create a notebook, add sections, and then pages within the section. It’s great for keeping track of story chapters and ideas, or a shadow blog no one is in danger of reading. I’m sorry to bring it up if you’re already familiar with this method. I’m always pretty late to the party.
My internet addiction has quite a grip on me lately and I wish I could break the habit. I don’t read enough books anymore, I’m just glued to my phone or computer looking for stuff to get outraged about, which isn’t difficult. I am lucky enough to have an “accountability partner” for writing and reading, otherwise I’d probably do nothing at all.
That’s my update for today, just want to be low-key, nothing too dramatic. I’m more interested in hearing what other people have to say. Say anything. Just please don’t ask about my hair (yes it looks like shit again).
PS: Two things I hate about WordPress right now: One, when I “like” someone’s comment, it gets “unliked” after a moment or two and I have to click it again. Second, the font in post editing mode is too light and with my dirty glasses which I’m too lazy to clean, I can barely see it. If anyone has insight into either of these issues, besides to suggest cleaning my glasses, let me know.