I finally did something intelligent…

~ Hetty Eliot

I deleted the Reddit app off my phone.*

There was a bridge too far for me which prompted this, and I wrote out a whole screed as to why I did this, but it was very political. And I hate talking about politics.

When I tell people that, (if they know) they say “But I thought you majored in political science?!” And my answer is:

Exactly.

So I deleted what I wrote and we’ll just leave it there.

I have no meaningful internal dialogue anymore. It’s scary. I have to fill up all my time with music, or YouTube, or scrolling. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. Maybe it’s the insomnia I’ve been suffering.

Or maybe it stems from my weariness of life at the moment. There’s so much hate everywhere. I see it on the news, online, even at work. Sometimes I want to just lie down and die so I don’t have to breathe this atmosphere anymore. Tired of hate, tired of fear, tired of discord.

(I mean discord as in conflict, not Discord the social media app. My Discord friends don’t talk to me anymore.)

In-between the words you’re reading are many deleted sentences. Because I don’t want to be bothered with justifying myself. I know every response that can be made to any of my statements. There are no original thoughts left in this world, there is no nuance, no middle way, it’s all either/or, no both/and/something else entirely. So why bring things up and invite a debate we both know will change no minds except for the worst?

When I tell you the next tidbit, any reader will see how egregious it is, but only the initiated will truly understand:

My boss’s husband tested positive for Covid. She claims she’s fine. Next she’s calling me to ask if I have a box of tissues. Not just one tissue, a box of tissues. Next day she’s so stuffed up that she sounds like someone’s pinching her nose.

Turns out (as you knew the second I brought this up) that she knew she had Covid but just didn’t want to stay home with her husband. My manager (her [former?] best friend) ripped her a new one about how she can’t have two sets of rules, so she’s staying out this week and next. My boss has publicly criticized, by name, specific workers who aren’t vaccinated and sends people home for even coughing (including me), and then has the nerve to come to work with Covid.

*And later I permanently deleted my account.

75 thoughts on “I finally did something intelligent…”

  3. I feel this. I drafted a post that was, well I wouldn’t even call it truly political. More like a post that expressed an opinion that wasn’t universally held. And it’s still in draft because I don’t have the mental energy to make it intelligent and to intelligently respond to comments if/when I do post it. This is unfortunate because I spent the better part of my day on the internet, procrastinating/writing this, and I have nothing to show for it. And I woke up with great intentions. Sigh.

    The state of discourse is a mess. I am proud of you for deleting Reddit.

    I am sorry to hear about your awful boss. Impressive that she would risk losing the friendship with your manager / her best friend. I am planning to go back to the office this week. I have not managed to get a testing appointment to confirm that I no longer have COVID, but I’ve also been quarantined for 15 days now.

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    1. You Shall Not Offend! That’s the eleventh commandment! I have written many things and then once I sleep on it, I’m shocked I ever considered posting it. I’m extremely opinionated, but also extremely non-confrontational.

      Yes the friendship thing is really sad and pretty awkward at times. I’m actually crazy about my manager, she’s the best one I’ve had. I mean, I stay late, I go in on my day off, I do anything for her because she leads by doing those things too. She’s the polar opposite of my boss. I don’t get the friendship at all!!

      I’m glad your Covid is going away. Good luck getting a test 😫.

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      1. Sigh…I wish this wasn’t the 11th commandment. But it’s good that you wrote this. Maybe this will make me feel contrary (I agree with you, btw, but I also have a contrary imp side inclined to be difficult) so I feel compelled to publish and then feel like I accomplished something today.

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  6. Wow. Reminds me of that place where my cousin works. She has newly joined that place, and when she asked about the covid situation, the HR basically swept her question under the rug. Coupled with stopping the salary when you get covid, no home from work being offered, it is truly a mess.

    Also, just like that other commenter: We are here, and are listening to you. Don’t worry about anything, share anything with us.

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  7. There’s a great line from “Bonanza”. I was a wee kid but remember it like all the other lines that made my English Nazi father go drama king and call them out. There’s a squatter woman standing in what should have been the Cartwright’s front yard yelling at Ben, “There’s a law fur we-uns an a law fur you-uns!” Which wasn’t really what this post was about, but it seemed to be the handle everyone grabbed. I get it. I’ve been in a creative desert since Thanksgiving. Not even editing. But I did get a new reverb plugin that makes anything I play into it sound important. Wish they made something like that for writing…

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    1. Gosh I haven’t seen that show in a while. I don’t know if it’s the time of year or the atmosphere that’s killing creativity, but at least you’re enjoying making music, which’ll help tide you over.

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  8. Deleting Reddit sounds like a good idea. There’s no way to control the sea of bullshit online, but I think there’s a whole lot to be said for limiting exposure and stepping away from platforms or deleting accounts altogether.

    I wonder how your boss manages to fit her head that far up her ass.

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    1. I think limiting exposure is a good thing. Honestly I learned next to nothing from it. Luckily I don’t do other social media except this and YouTube (if that even counts?), so at least I’ve preserved a couple of brain cells.

      My boss is a legend.

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  9. Your blog post, you can say what you like and not justify anything.

    Good for you deleting Reddit. It good to reduced Social media etc if we can. BTW i have no clue what reddit is – am trying to ween myself of instagram – lol.

    OMG your boss comes in with COVID ? crazy women! I hope you are okay ? praying you are okay.

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    1. Reddit is idiotic, it’s a website that has message forums and chats for every topic under the sun, which sounds cool in theory but is really just lowest common denominator gutter material and everyone has to have the same opinion. I have never done Instagram but all I see in advertisements are photoshopped pictures of women trying to get attention. They say it’s very damaging for young people’s mental health.

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  10. So, Redit: Am I peeking into the consciousness of the younger generation at large, or just a segment of that generation that happens to be ant-work, total collapse, completely give up and totally woke?

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  11. Oh it is so sad that people disregard basics of health and safety. Certainly disturbing what your boss did. And yes social media brings a lot of chaotic energy right now. All of us are needing to take care of ourselves in our own ways. Take care, Much Love.

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  12. Jettison all the bullshit and regather-regroup. Seems like a perfect time to to that. Reevaluation is in order too.
    I’ve recently been reading about the double-slit experiment observer effect. Observation, merely witnessing something, quantum mechanically speaking, affects the system. I thought about this for some while simultaneously mulling my assertion that life is meaningless given that everything eventually dies or disassociates and melds into the heat-death of the Universe. Build a castle–it will crumble; paint a painting–it will be trashed, molder or burn up with in the red-giant explosion of the sun; save humanity–all will eventually die and wither.
    But, by witnessing such things, or perhaps participate in the doing of these things, one influences the Universe — observer-effect style.
    We so often measure ourselves by the what-have-I-done yardstick, a yardstick destined for destruction, that it inescapable to admit that existence has no purpose — the done part is guaranteed to vanish.
    But what of the “doing” part? If by “doing”, regardless of the “done”, we somehow influence the Universe as a witness to the machinations of existence, perhaps that’s reason enough, purpose enough to exist.

    Doing vs Done.

    Get back to doing and ignore the outcome.

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    1. If you’re just getting up to speed on the double slit observer effect, then make sure you brush up on your Heisenberg uncertainty principle. And yeah, you just hit on the purpose of life: It’s the doing, not the done. Good way to express it. Once it’s done, you’re bored and ready for bigger better anyway. This chick. That chick. Those tits, bigger tits. After a while, it’s all the same chick. This story, that story, all a while, it’s all the same story.

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      1. I’d heard of the two-slit experiment and the Heisinberg thing, and the wave collapse.. I found a novel and was reading it, it focused on this topic, but the observer effect is prolly explainable given current understanding of quantum mechanics. But I’m dreaming that maybe it’s not.

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    2. “Jettison the bullshit and regroup.” That’s it exactly. When I get the urge, I go do something useful. Like read a book. I spent an hour reading an actual physical copy of a book instead of being on my phone and didn’t have that dirty feeling afterwards. If we focus on the “doing,” we’re much more satisfied and happy in the present moment. I’m tired of waiting… waiting… waiting.. for something significant to occur.

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  14. Happy New Year, Hetty. Sorry to hear that the health and safety issue has hit you at the office. I wish people would be considerate of others, but that is a political issue these days. People conflate “don’t pass your germs to me” as a statement of oppression, when it is basic hygiene and etiquette. Sending you best wishes for the year ahead.

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  15. Ugh your boss sucks. If you’re in the US, technically what she did was illegal. I’m sorry you have to deal with her.

    Having no meaningful internal dialogue, that is is scary. Good job on stepping back from Reddit! I hope it helps. I know for me, journaling helps me get my thoughts back on track. I don’t like doing it and when I get bad and try to avoid it. But I’ve now learned when I start to avoid journaling that usually means I need it the most. -_-

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    1. Howdy. Yes, having no internal dialogue is very scary, especially when you’re an introvert! I’m a big journaler (?) myself. I just started a new diary to talk to myself in.

      Anyway, my boss is crazy. It’s a long, sad story…

      Thanks for reading and saying Hi!

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  17. Ayy what’s up with your boss?

    But no matter. I myself have actually benefitted from Reddit, because the subs I subscribe to are pretty chill. But you know what? I should actually take a play out of your book and maybe delete Facebook or Instagram. I mean, I could always cave and reinstall them, but the extra steps needed just to log in might cause me to spend less time on my phone.

    So great on you for doing this, Hetty!

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    1. My boss is… my boss. People think it’s a big joke but it ain’t.

      It might be worth getting rid of those two things if they aren’t adding value to your life. If you need them for work, maybe delete them off your phone and just use them on your computer. Log in/out every time to reinforce the “work” feeling.

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  18. “There’s so much hate everywhere. I see it on the news, online, even at work. Sometimes I want to just lie down and die so I don’t have to breathe this atmosphere anymore. Tired of hate, tired of fear, tired of discord.”
    These words could be exactly and precisely mine.
    I couldn’t have written it better.
    GRAZIE

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  19. I had an Instagram account. For a while. Then I discovered that it had been acquired by faecesbook, so I deleted it. Shortly afterwards, I deleted my faecesbook account as well (or, at least, I think I did, although I don’t trust Zuckerberg &co to have actually deleted my personal data from their system.

    I first heard of Reddit years ago. Kept thinking that I might one day venture into it to find out what all the fuss was about. From what you say here, I’m glad I didn’t; sounds like a bunch of echo-chambers. I bet there are flat-Earthers and Moon-landing-deniers and all the rest pointlessly wittering away at each other on that platform at this very moment.

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    1. I never had Instagram or Facebook (“faecesbook” as you more rightly call it). If Reddit were only filled with the flat earthers and moon landing deniers, it would be a great improvement over the cesspool it is now.

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  20. I have long been a social media denier. However, I am fatally flawed with curiosity so I have delved into hypocrisy and experimented with a few. I always end up coming to my senses sooner or later. That Covid thing has pointed something out that I hoped wasn’t true. A good sized portion of the Homo Sapien species have digressed to the dung beetle stage. It’s easy to see why that might cause anxiety.

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      1. We are actually supposed to evolve to Homo Sanctus; however, as in our archaic history, the transition will not be pretty and only a limited number may attend. I can just see Homo Habilis and his Denisovan wife pointing at us and laughing their loin cloths off at our ridiculousness. The kids would be encouraged to throw rocks. It seems quite possible we have reached our awkward teenage years in the human story of evolution.

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          1. LOL! I always like your view. Homo Impossibilus is apt. Oh, don’t despair, we go through phases and wore out several species to get to our new pedigree. In earth time, we haven’t been here long enough to work out the details. But, we will. I’m lucky enough in my career endeavors to meet a lot of 20-30 somethings that have their head on perfectly straight and are taking charge of their work like true professionals. They have smart kids too. I think it’s hard to see hope in all the chaos, but under the media blanket of doom, good things are happening. Certainly the abundance of assclowns can steal the spotlight. They don’t have what it takes to steer this boat so the good folks are slowly replacing them. Um, could take a while tho. We will get there Hetty or my name isn’t Mufus Muffleberry. 🤥🙄

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              1. Indeed it is Hetty. However, we humus beans are not designed for an abundance of joy held too long. We need the all consuming fire of melancholy seasoned with a familiar pessimism. This is the fuel of creativity and rebellion that litters the earth with archaic artifacts dedicated to romance and war. Every generation must have their zombie apocalypse to overcome. Just my post caffeinated point of view. I scorn the evidence to prove any bizarre point I make.

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                1. I thought I replied to this but I guess it didn’t go through. I think your comment is just fine if a little purple-tinted. I indeed have found that melancholy is fuel for creativity, but not depression or despair.

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                  1. Very true Hetty, if we fall off the edge into depression or despair, we are no longer able to access anything but our pain. It takes a compassionate and patient person to help lift another up from that awful pit.

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                    2. Very true. I experienced some mind numbing horror during my military career and it consumed me to the point I attempted suicide. Thankfully, I was too out of my mind with grief to be effective. A nurse who decided she wasn’t going to lose me to the black dog stayed with me for several years as a sort of guardian until I was okay. We remained friends for many years. Her compassion and selflessness was a remarkable example I have tried to make a part of my daily life. I realize most will never be so lucky, but I do know the guardians of life are out there and are found if we seek them out. My suffering was in witnessing the the worst sins of man against women, children, and the elderly who are innocent victims of greed, wealth, and power gone wrong. It haunted me. From this I learned not to fear death and when I no longer feared death, I no longer feared life and all of the challenges it brings. It took a long time to get there but no regrets for the lessons I learned.

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                    4. Thank you Hetty. I have created my new blog but haven’t gone live yet as I do a little internal house cleaning. I do want to help others and have gone back to school to get my masters in Integrated Health Sciences. I’m thinking my blog will be a nice place to tell stories that look into our emotions, senses, and desires and also provide a few hints on how we can transform into our better self without buying the latest Alchemist recipe book or following a nebulous guru that sells toad licking kits to save one’s soul. Although I think it would be fun to be that guy, it just isn’t necessary for most of us. I hope to see you there at Hyperion’s Sky.

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                    6. Here it is. I only have one post up to test drive it. I resurfaced an old short story just to fire it up. Hope you enjoy it. I’ll fine tune it as I go along. Hyperionsky595262068.WordPress.com

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                    8. Wooo hooo! Glad to have you on board Hetty. Now to get to blogging and feel totally free to chime in at anytime if you see me sliding over into the ditch upside down.

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  21. Pingback: Okay, I’m really gonna try to kick the scrolling habit this time. – Who the Hell Knows?

  22. Thankfully, I only use Reddit to fuel my interest in fountain pens, journals, and writing, so I don’t feel the need to delete that app. Yet.

    Instagram though? Facebook? YouTube? Those really need to go in the trash, but I just can’t seem to make myself do it. Here’s to our constant struggle to wean ourselves off the internet!

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