Random crap so I can say I blogged something.

Warning: Diary dump…. scroll away as fast as you can.

For some reason I can’t get the emotional energy up to finish writing the five or six things I started in the past week. A friend dilemma, issues with my parents, life changes, stories… It’s too heavy and I can’t make the effort. It’s the stuff I toss and turn to in bed—lie on my side and think of one thing, flip over, think of another… repeat ten or fifteen more times until three a.m…

Which is my fault because I do go to sleep too late. I stay up past one-thirty and then wonder why I’m ready to go back to bed as soon as I wake up. I subsist mainly on Doritos and ice cream. How I’m not three hundred pounds is a modern-day miracle. The secret is to not eat for eight hours, binge, and then don’t eat again until the next binge.

I want to stop taking my seizure medication and let the chips fall where they may because the meds make me forgetful and kill my creativity. And also dumb enough to think stopping is a good idea.

I hate my new haircut.

Perhaps there’s a soul out there who’s relieved that I don’t write about my boss much anymore. What’s there to say? She hasn’t changed. I spend every day poring over job reports that she can’t interpret by herself. She doesn’t understand what I do and actually fears the HR software system. As stupid as she is, she at least has the sense to fear what she doesn’t know and stay away.

Speaking of work, I hate this time of year more than any other. I hate meeting the countless new hires, stupid kids who have zero interest in being there. People don’t realize how much social anxiety I have because I’m good at acting. I feel like I’m having a heart attack when I have to talk to more than one person at a time.

I’ve also just passed ten years in that shithole. I could write a book about this decade, a long pathetic book.

Then I stupidly agreed, out of guilt, to teach sixth grade CCD (Catholic religious education, similar to Sunday school). The last time I did it, I was borderline suicidal and was saved only by covid lockdown. The only reasons I agreed are that it’s two nights a month in the classroom ,the desks have to be distanced, which will make clustering together harder, and they have to wear masks. I have zero talent as a teacher, no classroom management abilities, and can display no passion. I tend to approach things from the head and that doesn’t work with kids. And I can’t stand their staring. They just sit and stare at me when not ignoring me. I want to climb up on a desk and scream “What the fuck are you staring at me for??!!”

The only thing I consistently like doing is attending Mass. I found a local Traditional Latin Mass which is made all the sweeter in knowing that Bergoglio—I’m sorry, “pope” Francis—hates it. If it were a Pachamama rain-dance, he would demand that it be promoted everywhere,

I just can’t get up the will to write even though I want to. I start one thing and then leave off to start something else. I really did enjoy writing every day in September. I loved thinking about it all day and stealing time at work when necessary. It was never a chore, but an enjoyable challenge. I miss doing it. I should probably go back and edit the whole thing but I’m not ready to talk about it.

I partially blame my parents for everything because parents screw up their kids before the kids are aware enough to know what’s what. And after that, it’s often too late. In my case, it was too late.

I’m not unhappy, though, and I have more to be grateful for than I deserve. I’m sad, and I’m not sad, because all these gaps are opportunities for something better. Life’s a beautiful gift and even in my lowest moments I believe with all my heart that while there’s life there’s hope.

But that’s enough mushiness for now.

45 thoughts on “Random crap so I can say I blogged something.

  1. I lie (lay?) on one side, dream something weird, roll over to the other side. For some reason I fart on every roll. Doesn;t matter if I’ve been on one side for 10 minutes of three hours. Roll. Fart. The act of writing, even without a purpose, is way out. I can think for myself but I love a good quote – Art is the only way to run away without leaving home – Twyla Tharp And talk about the editing. I’m filling in the p(l)ot holes in a shamelessly derivative shamus send up. You could the same for yourself. Work is good for us.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the info on your gastrointestinal state. I’ve been wondering about it but wasn’t sure how to bring it up. Anyways, I think it’s “lie” but maybe I’m wrong. I have to look it up every. single. time I use lay or lie, and even then I get it wrong. I think the writer’s dysfunction is just something I need to get through. I can get on board with anything that doesn’t require me to leave my house. I’m happy that yours is shamelessly derivative too. All you have to do is slap that label on something and it gives you the right to say or do anything.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I always go back to the Frenchman who confirmed there are only 36 dramatic situations, and the same number of potential character archetypes. The rest is wardrobe and location. The whole Hero’s Journey that everything cranked out of Hollywood in the last 30 years is based on. One story line. A warehouse blue room and a thousand costumes. And a shitload of Digital animation interns. So however we dress it up it’s Bonanza with a new cast.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Not sure if CCD is like Sunday school, but now I know how my teachers probably felt when they were handling students like us, lol. You should definitely do another daily-writing challenge, but this time for non-fiction posts like these!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Here’s what you should do, in my opinion!

    1. Take back that agreement to do that teaching. Seriously.
    2. Introduce more variety and nutrition to your diet, bit by bit. Whatever the circumstances in life, diet has the power to bring you down from anything. The benefits from a good diet begin to be felt from immediately up to 2 weeks. Variety is just as crucial as the nutrition. Just look for small things, like eating a raw carrot here and there :), and work up. Or fruits.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well it’s too late to renege now, it starts Tuesday and I have a class list. But it’s alright. My fiance says it’s not nice to refer to the kids as m*****f*****s and I’m going to rise to the occasion. All joking aside, I want to do this for the right reasons and to change my attitude. It’s a challenge and I want to try and meet it this time. With the diet thing, you’re so right. I was looking at what I wrote and was like wow, this is terrible. I was writing up steps I can take and the bar has been set so low that it’s impossible to fail. I think I’ve been lying to myself that it’s not a big deal because I don’t have other bad habits like drinking or smoking. I also need to stop the late nights and the YouTube binge-watching. My only exception to staying up is that if I am on a roll writing something, I can put on my headphones and stay up but that’s it.

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  4. My brain won’t shut up at night either most nights, it’s so annoying, isn’t it? You made your job sound really exciting too, lol
    I hope you can find a way to enjoy writing again soon. Remember I just took a month off until I found me again, so it’s okay not to do anything for a while.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My job’s not exciting, though I wouldn’t call it boring, much as I hate it. I think I need to relax about the writing thing and just take it as it comes to me. I liked having a goal though so I have a couple ideas right now.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I used to come up with more writing ideas whilst working than I ever did when sitting at the computer lol.
        Goals are always good. Part of my problem is I dont have any now. So, i just do whatever each day really.
        But I agree, no use forcing it. just enjoy it when its ready.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. You need a goal, you need something to achieve, that’s why you enjoyed writing through September, it was something to look forward to. I know you’ll be very busy in the next few months but what about a small challenge. You could try writing a tanka a day, or you could describe something and have us guess, a riddle perhaps. You could even do a tag team, invite other bloggers to write a portion of a story with you. That way you’ll not only have something to look forward to, but it will also be interactive.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. That was fun. Could you could do that again, make me laugh and then chuckle? The gas helped.

    I’ve got some advice. Fuck everyone’s advice.

    Let’s have a haiku fight, I’ll start:

    Parents are children
    With no clues or manual
    To steer or guide them

    Zoom calls suck sick ass
    Your camera is fucked up
    Mic problems, piss off

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I realized that a milestone of growing up, which most people realize at fifteen, not thirty like me, is that parents really are only children themselves.

      I’ve never written a haiku but yours inspired me.

      Zoom is terrible
      If you are Jeffrey Toobin
      Please stay in your seat

      Like

  7. It’s 02.57 am I can’t sleep. I woke up at 00.37 thinking us it morning. Then I woke up at 1am. I went to bed not too late.

    Hetty, great journaling, always good to get it out. You know Latin- wow. Teaching kids like Sunday school will make your practice and application of the word stronger.

    Why don’t you do nanowrimo. You don’t have to 50K. And use October to prep. Maybe , a challenge is what you need to write. Who am I to talk I am completely stuck on my writing.

    Eat well my friend.

    Maybe pray and study the word before sleeping.

    Or Should I challenge you for what us the rest of October to sleep by 10pm and eat well, and write 100 words and blog each day your progress? 🤔😉😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ugh sorry to hear you can’t sleep. I’ve been having a lot of insomnia myself lately and I don’t know why. It’s frustrating when I have to get up in a few hours. Maybe stuff on your mind is waking you up.

      I wish I knew Latin, but no, I don’t. There’s a book you bring that has everything in it so you know what’s going on. The first time was quite a shock because I didn’t know what was being said and I just copied whatever everyone else was doing 😅. But now that I have the book it’s much better. I hope to do well teaching. I really want to do a good job this time and not get depressed.

      I like all your suggestions and will take your advice. 10pm sadly won’t happen, but maybe midnight 😛. That would be a big improvement.

      I do need a writing challenge. I’m scattered all over the place. Maybe my challenge can be to get these pieces finished.

      Anyway, we’ll talk soon, I’m sure 👀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Look forward to learning your progress and you what you to challenge yourself. If 12pm is doable and is better than what ever the time is that you go to sleep then go for it. Then after a new months at 12pm you can try 10pm. And bingo in no time at all you will be all right.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I relate so hard to this. The wanting to write and can’t. The 1:30 bedtime (well I went to bed early last night because I was sick, but woke up at 2:30 AM so it evens out). The ice-cream. I don’t relate to Doritos though because I don’t like them.

    I taught Hebrew School at one point, a job I ought to have been good at, and I was terrible at it. That’s good that you like the mass at church.

    Holiday season is the worst on retail employees. I am so sorry.

    This is totally not related to retail holiday season hell; I just wanted to share that on the consumer product development side, making the holiday items is always a nightmare. You’d think it would be the easiest thing because it’s just a kit or a new pack with holiday colors but the timeline is always impossible, demand forecasting is always off, something always goes wrong, the product has to be air-shipped because it’s so delayed which kills the margins, we have to take back or discount everything because there’s such a narrow window to sell, etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If you relate, then I feel honored. It’s funny, I should be good at teaching religious ed but I am terrible as well. Yesterday was the first class and I totally blew it beyond belief. I only had five kids and it was so awkward. They don’t talk, they just sit there, and I don’t know how to engage them so I’m just like, yeah….. uh… let’s read… moving on… I almost cried at one point. And it’s only the first class! They don’t even know the story of Noah’s ark in sixth grade. The situation is dismal and I’m just not good at getting kids interested in what I have to say. Hopefully next time I’ll figure something out.

      That’s very interesting about the other side of retail. The delays are incredible right now because of the CA port situation. Customers don’t believe us and always say “You can’t keep using that as an excuse!” but it’s literally the truth, our stuff is literally on those ships… And now the product development people must have a whole new host of problems in addition to the ones you’ve described. I really hate consumerism.. Not that I don’t buy things myself, but it’s just Too Much already. So much waste, so depressing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. This is the problem with transparency – they never believe you. Even if supply chain is such that we have the materials to make the product, just getting the packaging components is a challenge. I don’t expect customers to know all the details of supply chain, but I don’t get the disbelief/mentality that COVID is an excuse. Like what do they think the suppliers/retailers have to gain by saying this?

        I’m pretty ok with consumerism. I mean, it keeps me having a job and also, at a personal level, I enjoy material possessions and I am guilty of being materialistic at times. I am so not a minimalist. But there are a lot of moments where the work involved in producing the product and getting it to market feels like so much unnecessary work. Yes, I get paid to do my part of it. But there is an element of unnecessary

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Customers tend not to think terribly rationally because they believe we are out to ruin their lives for some reason. They walk in the door ready to fight over anything.

          I have a lot of cognitive dissonance with the consumerism thing. I too am not a minimalist and could probably stand to be a little more of one. I don’t buy as much as I used to, having become cheaper over time, but I do enjoy shopping. I also have a job because we sell things. But for some reason I feel depressed when I think of all the stuff we have and picture them filling up landfills, all the people who lack, people buying things to numb themselves, etc. It’s more emotional weirdness on my part than anything.

          Liked by 1 person

  9. Man I could really relate to this. I don’t have epilepsy but a whole lot of other health dramas. I too like to stay up late and then feel sleepy the entire morning. Feel depressed, feel happy, feel blessed, feel like crap. And at one time, I hated my female boss as well. She was unbearable. Glad someone else took over recently and that torture ended.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Gibberish, thanks for reading and commenting. I like your name and avatar 🙂. I’m not sure what the allure is with staying up super late and then feeling like death in the morning, but there it is. I’m glad you were released from the torture of your old boss! Scary how they can ruin our happiness.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey thanks for the compliment 😊💟
        I am an owl as I honestly love the night time. When everyone is sleeping. Feel like that’s my ‘me-time’ to do what I want , as I am super busy during the day…🌌❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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