Four high school students encounter an evil spirit. Thoroughly cliched and hopelessly derivative.
The flame steadily grew in size while Natalie, Vanessa, and Mikhail stared at it. Chadworth, on the other hand, was absorbed in scratching out some calculations in the ashes.
He got up and paced back and forth. “I have been studying quantum physics, and I do believe I may have stumbled upon a theory as to how these two dimensions overlap one another—I just need a little more time to solve the riddle—you see, it’s the quarks—and—and—a new type of proton—and time—yes, time—”
Gusts of wind suddenly ripped through, and out of the growing flame spewed thick, sinister clouds. This, then, was the source of the evil that had plagued them all for two weeks.
Vanessa was laughing.
“Ha! It’s too late, Chad! You three are screwed!”
Mikhail watched the flame, his face entirely unemotional. Yes, it was over for all of them. All of the pain, the absurdity, the meaninglessness, all of it would end now. It was fitting that he need only stand there and do nothing.
The voice spoke. “I am waiting for the sacrifice.”
Natalie was crying and squeezing Mr. Squeaks. “I don’t want to die!”
Vanessa looked around at her and the others. “Um, well, you’re going to die! As soon as I—as we—as I—”
“Yes, Vanessa, what are you going to do?” Chadworth demanded. “What are you going to do, pick up a former football player with one hand and hoist him onto the altar?”
She pulled on her lip with her long, fake nail. “I—um—”
“I am impatient,” the spirit demanded, “Who will go first?”
Vanessa continued, “This is all your fault! If you only called me the day after then none of this would have happened!”
“I had to go to work!”
“You never had a job!”
Chadworth stepped forward towards her. “I should just push you and be done with this shit!”
Vanessa gasped and backed up. “No! None of you will push me!” She was pointing at Natalie: “Her—push her!”
Mikhail shook his head at her. “None of us are getting out alive, Vanessa, including you. Because it’ll take you last.”
“That isn’t true! I was promised—”
“This spirit only destroys,” someone said. The four of them looked around. The voice did not come from anyone’s mouth, yet everyone heard it in their minds.
Natalie held out Mr. Squeaks, who was standing up totally still, paws curled to his chest.
“It feeds on hate.”
It was impossible to know how, but it was clearly Mr. Squeaks who spoke.
“You’ll get no power.”
Natalie cried, “Listen to Mr. Squeaks! He’s telling you not to do it!”
“It wants you all to die,” Mr. Squeaks communicated. “Don’t help it.”
“Then we’re all screwed!” Vanessa shouted. She laughed a cruel and desperate laugh.
During this exchange, Mikhail studied Natalie—her faded green hair, her face stained with dirty tears as she held Mr. Squeaks tightly to her cheek. He met her terrified eyes, and remembered himself as a boy, cringing in fear of his bastard father. A wave of self-loathing passed through him. But perhaps he could redeem himself in a moment, with a single act. What would his father say about him then? Did it matter?
“No, we’re not all screwed,” Mikhail replied, looked at Natalie for the last time, and threw himself into the fire, which was immediately extinguished.
The last gasp of the rushing wind tore through the minds of Natalie, Chad, and Vanessa and everything went black as their bodies surged through time and space.
shitty first drafts, guys, shitty first drafts. please tell me what you think the point is so I know if I got it across or not.
Who the Hell Knows? 
Whoa! Mr. Squeaks! and Mikhail!
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I know, right? I didn’t know Mr. Squeaks talked.
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ONE. MORE. DAY…
So, you gotta plan or you winging it up to here?
About three quarters of the time, I just wing it. Something will come to me in the end, I figure. Like the dead genie and the knife. Would there be wishes? OK. Would there be useful wishes? No and yes. I just kept getting closer to the climax and, hmm, they’ll waste their final wish, under pressure, and the wish won’t even be fulfilled by magic.
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Yes, one more day, can’t believe it. I was gonna say 75% winging myself. I had a general arc in my head but my ambitious plans that went out the window in, oh, August. The last one is going to be 100% winging because I originally wrote a joke ending which simply won’t work now. But even now the temptation for a joke is there.
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You know, I actually think that either your original joke ending or your rewritten ending could work here. The characters have been developed enough for a real ending, but the scenario is campy enough for a joke too. I’m looking forward to either!
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Thanks. I might strike for a middle path
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I wing it from the get-go. A private eye, an ingénue, a dead guy – a 3 and a 4 and…
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You don’t suffer enough.
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I did that long ago. One day you quit trying, be what you are, and listen. The effort is in the clean up. The rest of it is out there waiting for us to get out of the way.
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It’s not shitty at all, you’ve built to your climax and had the sacrifice, you just need to bang that final nail in the coffin Hetty. You’ve got this, believe in Mr Squeaks if you can’t believe in yourself and remember a Phoenix always arises from the ashes 😊
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Thanks, Deb. I really do appreciate the encouragement. 🙂
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Go Disney! The whole thing has been about identity and redemption. Knock it out!
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🏆
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I always believed in Mr Squeaks. He helped them to self-actualize. 🥰
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Thank you for believing in him. He did indeed help them.
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Ok, I’m gonna take a shot – but keep in mind I have no brain for philosophy type things – as in if there are blue curtains I see blue curtains, not the feelings the color should impress upon the reader ——
But considering the first time Mik fell asleep he jumped in that pit after feeling like if he didn’t do it on his own, something would force him and he seemed to NOPE at the thought of losing control- then kept right on doing it — and based on his growing attachment to Nat and wanting her to be okay – my guess would be something along the lines of self sacrifice trumps the hate the spirits feed on – essentially ruining their ritual mojo/power.
Though, I’m sure he also has a healthy dose of spite in just wanting the bully to lose regardless if he goes down too. Most importantly, go Mr. Squeaks! I had two pet mice when I was 15… but it um… it didn’t go well.
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I think that’s an interesting take on it that I didn’t think of. Mainly I was just thinking that here’s this suicidal kid who finds meaning and purpose in caring about the fate of someone else, choosing sacrifice over meaninglessness. Mr. Squeaks certainly took on a life of his own… maybe he’ll get a spin-off.
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lol, not too far off. I tend to fall into those character’s heads suuuuuper easy. If Mr. Squeaks gets a spin-off, he has to find some inter-dimensional Magics to fix this max 3 year lifespan nonsense becauuuuuse I can NOT handle his death. Characters are too real to me.
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I want to make people cry. But I can’t handle death either so…..
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Random thought. In the store where I work, occasionally there’s mice. Someone complained and a lazy Orkin guy put cheap mouse traps around the office, like your standard cartoon snap traps. Right out in the open too, he was so lazy. So when I was alone I went around and kicked them into the walls one by one, which sprang them. Somebody actually noticed one time and I just said, oh well, you know what clever little buggers they are. The other day my manager saw one and said, watch, one day I’ll snap my toe in one, and in my head I’m thinking, yeah not likely.
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Lollll I love it!!! I did the same thing!!! I sprung the traps at an ex’s parents house in high school – and I did it during my first few weeks at the last office I had – though, to be fair, a group of stray cats moved in and the mouse problem went away regardless. — Great minds and all that.
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My curiosity has been growing all this time about what will happen, so that’s good. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I need to know!
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That makes me very happy to hear!
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