Four high school students encounter an evil spirit. Thoroughly cliched and hopelessly derivative.
On Friday, the high school let out and students streamed out of all exits. Windows were slammed shut and the hallways cleared. Even the loiterers were in a hurry. In five hours the sunset would be blazing, the perfect backdrop to the championship football game that night.
Vanessa was hanging on Chad’s arm and whispering in his ear about her plans for the victory celebration.
When Natalie saw Vanessa, she almost lost her nerve. But she swallowed hard and ran across the frozen grass.
“Chad! I heard you got the football scholarship… Congrats!”
“Uh, thanks,” Chad said.
Vanessa was snickering.
Natalie continued, “Well, good luck at the game tonight!”
Before he could reply, Vanessa cut in. “Nice hair!”
Natalie’s hand went up towards her hair and then dropped. She already knew what her DIY bleach job looked like. She hugged her books to her chest and watched them get in Chad’s black sports car and drive off. Why did girls like Vanessa always get their way?
Meanwhile, Mikhail was emptying his locker’s remaining contents into his backpack. He slammed the door and tossed the combination lock into the bag as well.
The school stood empty as the last administrators left and the security guards locked up the doors. A few birds circled and then flew away. All was totally dead and silent.
A thin cloud, no more than a tendril of smoke, made its appearance on the horizon, snaked its away across the sky, and wrapped itself around the school.
Who the Hell Knows? 
Good scene. Yeah, cliche’ but, it’s clear and some good sentences to work with. Care to receive edits pointers from a fellow noob?
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Be my guest
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Thanks a bunch Mole. It works. I always love feedback, believe it or not, because I like reading what people come up with to see if my bare bones conveyed the message or not and to see a different take. The doc works and I’ll get back to you soon. I do have a blog email, whothehellknowsblog@gmail.com.
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You can delete that comment if you like. And then I’ll revert the gdoc so that you can see the edits in place. If you have more content, later, I’ll add it to this one doc.
I’ve done this for numerous other folks, it works pretty well, GDocs that is.
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One of your posts is the top result for sepscenewrimo, which I Googled just after reading your comment. How strange!
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How strange indeed. Will you participate?
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Where can I find an actual definition of sepscenewrimo? This seems really hard to find lol. How do people even learn about these things? 🤷♂️
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All I find is posts tagged with it as if everyone should already know, so annoying 😆.
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Anonymole’s Explanation of SepSceneWriMo I dunno who came up with it but I learned about it from the Mole last year.
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Thanks!
But what’s a WIP? As in “consistent with your WIPs or not”
Maaan so much in-crowd jargony things lol.
So this is writing scenes but without a plot? Or not necessarily with one.
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WIP=work in progress.
It can be a scene, or a plot, or whatever you poop out in three minutes
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Haha!
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Thanks
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I don’t feel it’s cliche. I mean what hasn’t been done by now and just think how your going to turn this around on its head.
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It’ll turn around around day 27 or so, I promise you, Pam 🤪
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I’m looking forward to it 🙂
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Your short story reminds me of the motorcycle I used to own. It was a mildly roaring Honda Nighthawk and people doubted that it could climb the Appalachian Mountains. Yet it made it over without a problem and got to Florida before the snows flew.
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This Honda will get to Florida and back, you’ll see.
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That last line is a nice ominous set up for the next scene. Also, I want to hear more about Mikhail’s character. The two sentence you gave him here set him up as a potentially intriguing character.
I’ve never heard of #SepSceneWriMo
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Ding ding ding, leave it to JYP to notice the one legitimate nugget in the whole thing. I put a link in another comment which explains the September scene writing thing.
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Good start.
It is as you say cliché.
So there’s a good chance contemporary Hollywood will buy the rights to it.
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🤑🤑🤑
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Nice! 😀
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Thanks!
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