Odds and ends of the current life of a lazy mofo

I was sneaking around a moving neighbor’s basement and made a poor attempt at a liminal space photo.

This is me: it was early May, seventy degrees out, and I was wearing a winter scarf running down the sidewalk eating a slice of pizza while chasing a stray cat.

I spent April cycling through the same five Smiths songs that I’d listened to for a month and re-read Jane Eyre about fourteen times. Now it’s halfway through May and I’ve moved onto other lame things to avoid living.

When I started this blog, I wanted to write “relatable” stuff but now all I do is worry about how to start with a sufficiently appropriate college freshman throat-clearing statement. Like, for example, “Research reveals higher rates of depression among Covid patients.” And then and only then does one proceed with a short little history of one’s own depression. 

I mention this because I caught myself doing that over and over, but what I really want to say is that I was very happy to be at home with Covid toward the end of March, but there was a moment in which I quite literally felt the depression descend upon my head. Ever since then I’ve struggled with the old feelings I thought I had put to rest. I just tell myself it’s a result of the illness but it’s so hard not to tear up at random, like when I’m riding in the car and I watch the scenery go by and wish I was there.

I’ve been neglecting blogging because my worries, shame, and laziness force me to push the “delete” key every time. It feels much safer to write in a notebook that, God willing, no one sees, which is something I try to prevent my parents from doing by moving things around periodically, preferably somewhere that it’s too much of a strain on their baby-boomer bodies to reach for. Although, hiding things out in the open is actually quite effective as well, believe it or not.

Yes, I’m thirty-three and have to hide my diaries from my parents. I suspect –hope– my mother hasn’t read them or she would have confronted me for sure.

I’ve been working on a story I’d very much like to share but I just can’t get the ending right. I was also writing a retail saga and I have yet to finish the final part but I feel it is spectacular.

The caption of the photo here indicates I was attempting a “liminal space” photo. I found this strange genre on YouTube randomly and I’m addicted to the videos. Here’s an example:

I think it’s one of those things you either get or you don’t. Basically they’re images of places like empty malls or scary indoor playgrounds that look like no one’s been there in years…. but might show up when you do. They’re not merely creepy but are meant to induce a sort of unsettling nostalgia.

They remind me strongly of what I see in my own dreams. I wonder what it’s like to close your eyes and open them in what feels like a moment later, because as soon as I fall asleep, I enter an eerie alternate universe in which I am endlessly aggravated by demands from work and family. ( I run into my boss often.) I am harassed and disturbed all night so when I wake up, I don’t feel like I rested at all.

I’m attempting to re-learn to lucid dream in the hope that I can calm things down a bit in my mind and find some peace. When I’ve done it in the past, I’ve only been able to hold on for a little while before I’m swept back up into the dream.

Blogger’s block has got quite a hold on me and it’s taking everything in me not to delete the whole draft. I do keep up well with writing privately in the aforementioned notebooks, along with a certain pile of crap I add to little by little, to the tune of forty thousand words. At this point, I write it mainly for my own enjoyment, as hard as that may be to believe.

I am happy to be able to say that I no longer allow days to go by between sessions, because it becomes a habit that must be done every day, or else I don’t feel right.

Along those lines, I’ve been working on the book The Artist’s Way with a blogger friend. We are doing it as accountability partners and I think it’s helped us to keep going despite the pesky tough times that pop up in all our lives. It’s a lot of work, and really this first pass through is just an introduction to the themes of the book.

I have discovered that most of my inability to progress is the sense of shame thrust upon me twenty years ago. I also waste way too much time. I waste time because I’m ashamed of myself and what I produce, and I’m ashamed of how I waste time. I don’t think I’ll make much headway until I crack this shameful nut.

I struggle with words because the epilepsy medication I take does not only slow down excessive localized activity, it slows down the whole brain… I have poor word recall and comprehension. It’s little short of devastating, because my vocabulary has deteriorated and my memory is very poor. I can’t understand papers I’ve written.

Meanwhile, my job has engulfed my very existence. Last year, when I was furloughed for three months and got to feel like myself again, I swore I’d never let my job steal that again. That lasted about three days when I came back, and ten months later, it’s no better. Something has to change because I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. But I don’t know how.

I’m sorry I’ve rambled on about myself, and my only hope is that if you read even a snippet of it, that you share something about what’s going on in your life, even if it’s only that you ate some Honey Bunches of Oats this morning with sour milk. I never intend to ask for sympathy, my objective is to hear about you.

So please, take my mind off of me and tell me about you.

52 thoughts on “Odds and ends of the current life of a lazy mofo

      1. Which you have. How about trying chess. I am rubbish at chess. For about 6 months I downloaded a chess app and played it everyday to improve my game. It did improve a bit. But my issue is I run out of steam if it gets long

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Ha. And you always wonder if deleting was a good idea. With sour milk, it’s over before you start.

    Jobs suck. The longer I am retired, the more I wonder how I stood it. I worked at one company for thirty years, but if I had to go back now, I wouldn’t last two weeks.

    Anyway, I think you’re doing OK. I enjoyed reading, and glad you didn’t delete.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Roy. There’s no doubt jobs suck. I can’t wait to be released from my current job. The thing is, I don’t even know how to function outside that place! I’ll be like a child raised by wolves. Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

      Like

  2. Embracing liminality is very telling. Use the fucking throwaway word “basically” again and I will disown you. Don’t do that. Many tomes on the arts say “do it daily”. I believe that only applies to sculptors and musicians. You can’t practice once a week and be a badass trumpeter. However, I have a great book that many reject because it imposes a work ethic of another sort – thinking along a straight line while writing. The Lie that Tells a Truth is full of writerly exercises to kick start you. not so much as “prompts” in the usual sense but think your way through building something compelling. When you catch yourself rambling, back up, edit.
    Life is weird for everybody, shame has no place.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Now that you point it out, I am a little ashamed of that “basically.” Although I did pepper in some -ing’s just for you. I’m curious what you thought was “telling” about my embrace of bad photos with excessive flash. I looked at a sample of the book on Amazon and it actually seems quite interesting. How has it helped you?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Liminality is the point between here and there where what was isn’t and what will be isn’t, either. The point of growth in “coming of age” tropes, an empty space waiting to be inhabited, a blank canvas…
        I’m a fan of “the abandoned” stuff. Houses with peeling wallpaper and dusty pianos, overgrown amusement parks, abandoned military facilities, the dead zone gas stations of Route66. I think that comes from my father dragging me off to look for ghost towns when I was too young to have an opinion.
        -ing isn’t illegal, I use them but I really don’t like to use or read them on the front end of a sentence to combine actions. Particularly when it’s a once or twice a page habit. Like “passive voice”. It’s an exercise in futility to entirely eliminate it regardless of what all the “writing” aids think.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I like to think that sometimes when my mind wonders if there’s more I could do in life, that it’s my conscience telling me that I can and should do more.

    Maybe this is also your mind’s way of telling you that you are ready for the next level.

    I, for one, am glad you ended up posting this instead of deleting it. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hey Stuart. You make an excellent point. There’s no doubt I should be doing more, especially since it feels like time accelerates after you turn thirty. I have lots of good intentions. Here’s to carrying them out. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting .

      Like

  4. Take my mind off me, and tell me about you. I’m here and I’m depressed. It has to do with people I know who are in trouble. So what does trouble mean? It’s pointless to explain. The internet is like the saran wrap we cover food with and my honest writing is like putting off a visit to a sick friend in the hospital. I can hardly go, it’s too depressing. Duke

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m sorry to hear that. Often I prefer to be the one in trouble because it’s agonizing worrying about things you can’t control. If everyone else is okay, then I guess it’s all good. Therefore I can deal if I must. But your friends, whoever they are and whatever sort of trouble they’re in, are very lucky to have you in their corner. I hope you’re able to assist in some small way at least, if the situation allows.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I remember those days of the epilepsy drug haze and the foggy memory. Im sorry you are going through that. But you have friends here!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I am glad you wrote and published this. I am glad to see you have some new visitors to your blog. I agree with Stuart, I think your mind is telling you to do more.
    Your rambles are so beautiful written, in comparison to my blog post. You are such a good writer. Don’t worry about what people think as here on wordpress everyone will support you. And even if you get random comment, it just helps you get tougher skin.
    I am impressed you have two books under way, that is amazing.

    My hope for you is that you share more on your blog. As you write so well and your vocabulary is greater than mine. Don’t hide Hetty, just show your work , you will be surprised.

    My blog post can be an utter mess, of poor writing, spelling, grammar and punctuation. I am a rubbish writer. I got a tonne of hangups. I can’t believe some if my posts. But people see past my bad English and read the message. I am trying to improve by doing courses but feeling a bit depressed. But the depression is nt depression it is overwhelm. My life is out of control right now and it is something I am trying to navigate some how. Never been in this situation before. Covid has made normal life so difficult.

    My wish for you is you share more of your writing as I learn a lot from reading your writing. I like your style, the words you use and sentences.

    I used to have random weird scary dreams. They went away when I started to live more and do more. Eg instead of putting of chores, just do them . You feel better. By doing what I put off I began to feel great about life and the empty feeling went. Even little things shouldn’t be put off. Just try it. The more I started doing the little things I put off, I got courage to do the medium and bigger things. A positive energy started. Along with journaling, affirmations, gratitude and meditation life turns around. And when life goes weird it because I relapsed and the fix is do what I am putting off.

    I am rambling.

    I hope you blog more I love your writing style. I challenge you to maybe pick a prompt a positive word and just write a post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey. Don’t be too impressed–I wouldn’t say I have two books underway, more like one thing I secretly work on little by little. Otherwise I write lots of silly stuff.

      Anyways. You are not a rubbish writer. I know you’re going through stuff now and it distracts our minds from what we’re actually doing in the moment, and it’s almost like we don’t see what our own hands are doing. I think that’s really cool you’re doing courses. One tip that helps me is not looking at something I wrote for a couple of days and then coming back to it. It makes it so much easier to see the typos.

      You’re right, it does make a person feel good to do those things they’ve been putting off. It makes you feel like you have more control over your life. Just little successes here and there really add up and help you move on to the big stuff, and give you more confidence for the hard stuff.

      The thing I do every Friday evening at church, where I spend an hour in silence, gives me a place inside of me that I can mentally retreat to in the middle of whatever madness is surrounding me or upsetting me, when I feel helpless. I know your own spiritual practices help you similarly.

      It’s just day by day.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. First I want to say how lovely it is that you’ve had wonderful supportive comments on your blog post. Interactions with a supportive audience is a treasure.

    I think in our plastic world we value an honest outpouring of thought. And I’m going to offer my personal mantra – do not overthink it.

    It’s good that you put this out here because you probably don’t realise how many people do the same thing: Type something and then delete it. I’ve got a whole blog full of unpublished drafts and another of pending/private posts.

    And then of course there is the matter of reality – you are interacting with an algorithm which acts as gatekeeper. It favours keywords, tags, dates, times, and subject matter.

    Even if you wrote everything it wanted, liked it, and needed I assume that you might not want the entire planet descending on here with an “OPINION!” authored in random rhyming dictionary words.

    Therefore, my advice to you would be to double down. Try to do what your blog says, “Who the hell knows.”

    P.S. Sneaking around in a neighbour’s basement and running down the street after a stray cat while having pizza. That’s a wild adventure. You’re my personal hero.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey, thanks so much. Yes, I am a very fortunate person. I don’t worry much about appealing to the algorithm. Honestly I prefer being an unknown pimple because I’d be ten times more stressed trying to be consistent otherwise. Man, you think I overthink now?

      I really enjoy WordPress for the interactions. Without it, I’d never have gotten to chat with so many people all over the globe.

      Thank you for all your thoughts as per usual 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I enjoy your writing. I love the statement: “I was also writing a retail saga and I have yet to finish the final part but I feel it is spectacular.” It probably is.

    You have a good mix of humility and also confidence in your ability. I think that’s kind of powerful. Your sense of humour is also strong, and you write in a really engaging style. It’s honest. I’m always glad you didn’t delete the draft.

    For some reason the video just made me laugh. Oddly funny!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, I really do appreciate kind comments. When I doubt myself, I think of the people who said them to me.
      If you found that video funny, then you have not yet encountered a true liminal space. Like they say in the YouTube comments, everybody gangsta until your own room shows up.

      Liked by 1 person

          1. Never having heard the term, I googled around. Very interesting, and it explains a lot. It’s even, maybe, a new way to look at American politics of the last couple of decades–unsettling as that might seem–or our own particular statuses. Thanks for the new information.

            Liked by 1 person

  9. I found this very relatable. From the eating pizza while chasing stray cat while wearing weather inappropriate clothing to the cycling through the same five songs to the hiding things from your parents as a fully grown adult, to the time wasting habits (I swear I am an Olympian quality time-waster).
    I enjoy your writing style immensely and cannot wait to read the retail saga.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m glad you rambled. And full disclosure, I feel a bit better seeing in your comments that I wasn’t the only one who had to look up liminal. That stuff is pretty great though. I can totally see why it might be addictive. Anything that gives off a sad/spooky vibe pretty much calls to me. I think that’s why I tend to like the apocalyptical fiction and video games, that similar emotional sense kind of carries well through those mediums. I also find myself taking long hiatuses from blogging because of that crippling fear that everything I’m writing is straight up crap, or just dumb. I have dozens of half saved thoughts and embarrassing ramblings. I guess the important thing is to keep trying. Don’t give up. Good things come to those who show up and ramble.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw thanks so much for this comment. I can relate to this 100%. I love your statement, “Good things come to those who show up and ramble.” That’s a good motto to remember. Don’t be embarrassed, your stuff is good! Look at some weird photos and then go for it. 👀

      Like

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