I forgot what I was gonna call this but I think it was whatever.

~ Hetty Eliot

Uh oh, I’m on time for work–what did I forget?–Did I brush my teeth? Check. Pants? Check. Well, then I guess I’m good to go. 

You silly–I was only pretending I forgot how to hold a knife and fork for a second. 

I need an excuse. I grasp for anything near at hand–yes, there’s a good one, grab it, that’s excellent.”Oh… I’m sorry… I completely forgot… It’s the meds…“

(I always say “the meds,” never “my meds.” I’m not worthy of them, I’m borderline imposter.)

I say under my breath, like I’m telling only you the secret, they’re for epilepsy. For s-s-s-seizures. Whee I sound like Porky Pig too.

Hurry Toto, pull the curtain! See the real wizard–they’re not that scary. Truly, they’re not impressive at all. Stolen valor.

But nonetheless maybe I’ve scared you a little with the E word and you’ll leave me alone now until you want something from me.

Please run fast, before my conscience pricks me–No! They’re not that bad! I won’t fall and I won’t pee! And if I do I won’t ask you to clean it up–

Well, let ’em go… (They don’t really leave, they just stop listening.)

I’m sorry, what did you just say? (Damnit I forgot already.) Ah, right… Could you write that down, please? No, everything! And please, every word…

You left the milk on top of the fridge, and now it’s gone bad and you’ve ruined it for everyone.

I hope you find it quick before someone else does. Just lie and say it didn’t smell right so you had to get rid of it, like you’re doing them a favor.

Lie, lie, lie, all the time.

Today I thought my radio was my mirror and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t see anything.

When I go into work like this, my dazed depression gets mistaken for an attitude. Bye bye ten cent raise.

You say it seems like I’ve mentally checked out. But did you know I just sat and cried at my desk because I lost a binder and I hadn’t gotten up from my desk since the last time I used it? And you’re complaining that I’ve checked out. Now I have done so cuz you said that.

Ah, who the hell am I kidding? I always was checked out but that’s beside the point.

Ha, what’s the matter, can’t you even understand your own words? Remember when you got into the PhD program? (They don’t because I never told them.) No one would ever believe I wrote those papers now. The words are gibberish, the dreams are smoke. 

Alright, let’s forget about the PhD for tonight. Let’s play some video games. But, no, wait–that won’t work either, because we suck at that too. No more hand-eye coordination. And there’s nothing more pathetic than to watch someone hunting for a button. I have actually cried and walked away because I felt so stupid and lame. I am now the girl whose boyfriend has to get her through the tricky parts.

Happy now? You’ll hear no more gloating from me. But please hold in your laughter, I’m really sorry about that time I…

This why nutjobs go off their meds. Because the side effects become more unbearable than the thing they’re treating. I was starting to get dumb in graduate school but once I started meds the stupidity accelerated.

Sometimes I’d like to go cold turkey until something bad happens and show everyone, maybe only myself, that it’s real, I’m not making it all up, I’m not an imposter, I’m not this dumb, I swear I had plans once…

My life is still built around seizures anyway. Nothing’s changed, the bad ones are gone but the fear remains.

So what’s the difference? I know what they are now… I think I could handle them… maybe? Would things get better? Would I get smarter? Durrrrr? Would this fog clear and would I be able to do something meaningful with my life? Well, I know I didn’t try back then either, but don’t I know better now? Wouldn’t I be grateful? 

I was typing on my phone and I lost my phone.

I have covid and I’m even dumber than usual hehe. Durrrrr.

21 thoughts on “I forgot what I was gonna call this but I think it was whatever.”

    1. Nah, Stuart, all idle talk… No coming off these things, sadly. I’d probably bring the *real* big baddies down on my head. But maybe there are better options out there. Thanks for your well-wishes! There’re nine months left of 2021 (I think), let’s see if I can get it together!

      Like

      Reply

    1. Holy Shit, Duke! Pharmaceutical acid! Better to go to Peru or somewhere and take a Shaman guided LSD adventure to blowout those depression cobwebs. Ketamine is how they get dangerous animals fucked up enough to work on their teeth.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  5. That was fun. Maybe not for you, but then, that’s the point, right? Write something strange or compelling and keep us tripping to the next line? If it’s based on real life, or not, we don’t care.

    The universe is chemicals. Why shouldn’t some of them induce questions regarding their existence? Their purpose? Their impact? Their nature and how it affects our own.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. I’m not exactly sure of the role of chemicals in epilepsy, it’s probably quite vast without knowing specifically where the bursts of electrical activity are occuring. I’ll have to research this, but I’m sure it’s a chicken/egg issue. There is no doubt they induce thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. I wish I knew where in my brain the seizures originate.

      I should add–when I was in high school, I thought I was some sort of visionary when these things happened. Mostly I drew bizarre things to illustrate; I’m sure I wrote stuff too.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  6. Yeah, I wasn’t thinking so much about your condition. Just wondering if you knew anyone? But, you might google current research on ketamine and seizure management. You might find it revelatory. I was more interested in clinical depression and anxiety being treated with low dose infusion. Lots of new stuff on that. Lots of mental health clinics using it now. It is a last resort medicine for TRD. Nothing works. Hail Mary. Duke

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. No. I have no friends, ergo I don’t know anybody in the program. It is very sad however to think of people who must live in such a hell and nothing is working to them get out. I hope these new treatments can help them.

      Like

      Reply
  8. Pingback: Late night epilepsy rant with a little of my boss thrown in. – Who the Hell Knows?

Leave a comment