Uhh don’t follow the money.

~ Hetty Eliot

At the store, we recently had a theft of nearly two thousand dollars from a drawer in which money is kept to distribute for change. My job is to prepare the money that goes into that drawer every day and count what’s left of it the next morning. Anyway, no one will say what happened. You bring it up and they say, “We can’t talk about it.”

So I point out, “It’s literally my job to know where this money goes and document it. What if there were an audit and they asked me why we had a shortage like that?”

“Tell them there was a robbery.”

“Just tell them there was a robbery? Aren’t they gonna want a little more information than that?”

“Tell them you can’t talk about it.”

Oh, ok. I’m sure that’ll go over like a lead balloon. I’m responsible for counting the money and keeping meticulous records, but I can’t tell you where $2000 disappeared to even though it’s my job to explain where it went. Good thing they’ve probably laid all those auditor people off.

And worst of all I know they’re gonna review all the camera footage from the back office and see me dancing around lip-syncing.

I’m convinced they think I took it. Now, stealing is not my vice. The only time I ever stole anything was someone’s Post-It notes in fourth grade because other kids were stealing, and not only did I feel horribly guilty but I called their house and left an apology message on their answering machine. And I used my full name, too, middle name and all. So that was the last time I stole anything and my peer pressure resistance went up twenty levels.

Ok, granted I did steal money not too long ago. I was rolling coins (which entails my starting over five times because I forgot what number I was on after I dropped half of them on the floor) and I found a Buffalo nickel that was nearly one hundred years old and there was no way I was going to leave that for a customer. So I took it BUT replaced it.

Still, I’m always worried people think I’m stealing. I worked in fine jewelry for a while and I always thought I was being continuously watched to see if I pocketed something. I was afraid I’d have amnesia and unknowingly steal something and then be caught with it in my bag and then be arrested.

Although there was one time someone saw me counting cash and said, “Well, at least we know Hetty isn’t a drug dealer.”

12 thoughts on “Uhh don’t follow the money.”

    1. I’m a little lazy for that much initiative, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened again. There are cameras around but they don’t tell you which ones are real and which are fake. Hell, they’re probably all fake.

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  3. On a somewhat related note, why is it I always feel like a stealer every time I enter a store and leave without buying anything?

    Two thousand bucks is a lot though. Anyway, here’s to them looking for the perp and getting your dancing footage instead! Lol.

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  4. Can’t talk about it implies you know something. Deep, flat denial is best. “Are you kidding? I’m like the company mushroom. They keep me in the dark and feed me shit, so you’re asking the wrong person.”

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