Two weeks in…something’s missing?

~ Hetty Eliot

Just some low-key whining.. no energy for heavy stuff.

I woke up this morning, soaked in sweat, and I knew something was missing, but I still don’t know what. I don’t even know if what’s missing is a good thing or a bad thing. What I suspect, though, is a missing link, a link that I am expected to place to bring certain things together in my life, and I don’t want to produce the link. They’re asking too much of me and often I wish I could just check out of life and go be myself. Peter Pan shit.

It isn’t optimism that is missing, although my optimism is not precisely “cautious” right now… perhaps “precarious” is a better word. I started out this year, a full fifteen days ago, with a bright outlook on life, optimism, even excitement. But having achieved nothing—is it too soon to judge? Though it’s not too soon to exert a little effort—I feel like I’m off to a bad start already.

What was I hoping to accomplish in fifteen days? I’m not sure. I was hoping I’d do more here on this blog but I’m paralyzed with anxiety. I thought I’d have read five books by now and organized my room and lost my holiday weight and gotten married and written a resume for when I lose my job and….

What’s worse—I haven’t even had any bad days at work! Complete radio silence from my boss. My direct supervisor is on vacation, and I’ve been alone. My conscience pricked me that I can’t go over a week without speaking to the store manager, so I went down to her office and asked if she was mad at me, because she hadn’t yelled at me in a week.

“I don’t yell! Stop saying that or they’re going to think I yell!” she yelled.

Sometimes I look at her and I can’t even be mad. At times, her stupidity is endearing.

Why did I say my optimism was “precarious”? Because I always feel like I could slide off into the abyss, if I release my foot. What got me out of a deep depression was simply getting tired of it. Tired of being complicit in my own misery. My hand said to me, I’m not doing this anymore. You can think whatever you like, but I’m not writing it down for you. Not filling notebooks with everything I hate about myself and how I shouldn’t be alive, I ran out of gas and agreed with my hand that I didn’t feel like it anymore, either.

But it’s always there, and I assume it always will be. In fact, I worry that any feelings of well-being and happiness aren’t actually real, they’re just me putting on a happy face. (Side note: for one month I took Lyrica, and I would literally catch myself smiling for no reason. Just walkin’ down the street, with a smile plastered on my face. Withdrawal was a different story, though…) I worry that nothing was ever fixed, it’s just covered up. But maybe just being tired of it is enough, because I know what will happen, and it ain’t worth it.

All my medical fears were present and accounted for, and I’m tired of them too. Sometimes, I understand why people want euthanasia. You reach the point where you’re just done. My health anxiety is off the charts and I’ll probably get banned from Reddit for all my downvoted questions. Maybe that’s for the better.

I’m sick to my stomach waiting for a lawsuit deposition for a car accident I was a victim in, and I know they’re combing through my therapy records as we speak so they can paint me as one of those crazy hysterical kook women.

So what was missing, after all? Honestly, I don’t know. It’s one of those things I only open the drawer and take out to ponder when I’ve gotten into bed and shut off the light, when I’m not busy worrying if I’m gonna die in my sleep.

Maybe I just miss getting yelled at by my boss. She’s going on vacation, and then I go on vacation (I staggered mine deliberately) and now what the hell am I going to do?

34 thoughts on “Two weeks in…something’s missing?”

  1. It’s not a bad idea to stay off social media because it will cause a lot of anxiety especially if you’re anticipating a positive response. Something that kept me off Reddit was the incredibly toxic atmosphere there. People downvote things for no reason. Or maybe they let their pets play with their laptops. Who knows? Don’t take it personally. I’m very happy your boss didn’t scream at you voluntarily.

    Also do hope that the issues with your recent collision are sorted out without any detrimental effects to your dignity or your mental health. People should be nicer to others but sadly, they’re not.

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    1. Hey. Yes it was a stupid idea to go on Reddit. The downvote system is idiotic and discourages you from voicing, oh, I dunno, your opinion. You can’t even troll. Not that I would ever troll, but it’s possible that I have been banned off of YouTube… I’ve had a bad habit since I was twelve of talking to strangers online and things getting a little out of hand.

      Re: lawsuit. I suspect a little dignity will be lost but so be it. It was a T-bone (the other driver went through the red light) and seriously injured my mother. I was the passenger but I blacked out so I don’t really remember much and wasn’t too physically injured. Mainly I don’t want to screw up things for my mother. Over two years, thousands of dollars in debt because of bills and co-pays… If I must answer embarrassing, irrelevant questions, then that’s the way it is.

      My boss? She has a torn meniscus and a hairline fracture in her knee, so she’s a bit distracted at the moment. That’s why I can’t be mad at her. She stills insists on coming to work and isn’t even yelling at anyone (she must be on something wonderful).

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      1. Let’s hold out for a positive outcome and resolution for you and your mother. It is an unfortunate situation.

        That makes sense about your boss. I pray her physicians keep giving her the happy pills forever and ever. Hopefully it’ll hep her blood pressure as well.

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        1. Thanks for your kind wishes.

          There is definitely something to it with the happy pills because ever since she’s been in such a good mood the store has been killing it, which is pretty great considering stores are closing left and right and we’re usually the laughingstock of our district. It’s a morale thing.

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  2. I have successfully achieved nothing in 16 days of the new years, other than absolute must be done items.

    This why I personally take each day as a new day, and each hour as a new hour. I don’t do new years resolution on Jan first. I might start in goals or resolution in oct, nov, even Dec. Or quarterly, or monthly, as it feels right. I left Jan be a write off and don’t sweat it. But, in Jan I do focus on inner work and even that can be hit and miss. And I use Jan to do brainstorming. Because too too too many January’s have take over duty external issues leaving no time for me, or I have been ill, or someone else. So I don’t sweat achieving nothing in Jan. I just start new each day, each hour. And I focus on small wins, quick and small. So if I use your example, getting room sorted would be one I would try to do, relatively quick and easy. And creates motivation quickly once achieved. Then you will be able enjoy your vacation.

    Send positive vibes to the lawyers . They are understanding, kind, moral, ethical, everything will be good and go well. God will take care of me and the case. I rest , I haven it to God. I will remain calm and positive. They will see the accident for what its and honesty, morality and the ethical practices will win. Etc.

    Give it to God, sit in front of him and let him calm your anxiety and let him love you. And trust it will be okay. You having nothing to fear. You can handle it. You did no wrong. Speak to yourself positively and send them positive vibes. And take God’s hand

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    1. Hello my friend. I like your idea of making January an inner work month and for brainstorming. I think resolutions just put too much pressure, not to mention the fact there’s such negativity about them–around January 1 there’s a million articles entitled “Why you’ll give up on your resolutions in forty-five minutes.” But yup, every day is the first day of the rest of our lives. I haven’t had any bad days at work yet this year so that is a huge win in and of itself, I guess.

      Sending positive vibes to lawyers? Yikes that is a tall order but it’s worth a try for my mental well-being. One of their tactics is to get under your skin and make you mad, so the more peaceful and less antagonistic I am, the better. But yes, remembering it’s not our fault helps a LOT. Can’t imagine having to go through this if it were our fault!

      Unfortunately… the room will not be quick. Twenty years of accumulation of stuff…. not a good situation.

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      1. With the lawyer, let God get under your skin in a good way, and let God and your positive vibes go to the lawyers, send lots of positive vibes daily. After sending positive vibes, don’t think about it every second. Focus your mind on your writing and the room. Use the pomodoro technique. Divide the room into rounds or sections and just go for it in 20min bursts. 1) what is actually in the room that you can see and make a list of it , don’t worry about stuff you can’t get too for now, 2) tackle one box or corner or bit at a time, bird by bird! 3) take that small bit and create piles. A) throw away, b) recycle, c) donate, d) keep. E) maybe keep.4) deal with throw away immediately and keep immediately. Donate if you can straight away else that hangs around ( but safety first especially because covid you don’t want to meet new people etc). Then repeat step 3 as many times as it takes. And do it ghee semi mari kendo way, does it spark joy. Then at the end look at the maybe pile and be ruthless. And make the first goal of the room to make a start, goal a bigger chunk of clearing, goal 3 a serious dent in clearing, etc. Do the cleaning work to music, audio book, or something positive to listen too, and a timer. And if you can get to spend 1 hour a week in 5 20 mins slot, or over a few days the motivation will kick in. And if by magic you will get in done in no time. Once you start it will make a huge difference. And it might not be so bad as you thought. I tackled our garage this summer been putting it off and dumping and dumping stuff there. It isn’t perfect but omg it us so much better and it created so much peace in me. I tackled so many projects this year that have been pending for years. Listening to something and 20 mins slots really helps.

        All the best. Take action on you goals 20 mins by 20 mins. Lawyer it ain’t your fault so live that way, proud, fearless, God with you, affirmation I can do this truth us on my side, I can only do my best, and forget the rest, keep God with you, and send positive vibes to them and whole process and then be done thinking about it. Just positive vibes and pour your energy into your tasks . All the best

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        1. I like the Pomodoro technique a lot. It’s amazing how much progress you can make when you tell yourself, I will only do what I can in twenty-five minutes (or whatever increment). You give a really good process for how I might tackle my room. Believe me it ain’t a joke. Plus I have double furniture because I shared a room with my sister when we first moved in nearly twenty years. She lived there for a couple of years before she got married but the furniture remained and I use it. And then everything is covered with my books from college and grad school… then random stuffed animals… then boxes of stuff I don’t know what to do with… mail I need to sort… clothes… you name it. Sadly I think I will need to start cleaning up with the idea of moving in mind because I have a feeling that my parents will not be able to stay forever, it is just too much work for them as they get older.. Plus what I am going to do with my stuff when I get married? Then there’s embarrassing things like diaries and sketches that I don’t want anyone to see. You can see this is a pretty formidable task, but the way you explain it, I do think it is doable. It might take a year LOL but I think I can do it.

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          1. You will get it done and you will feel better. Just get on and start. It might a really good thing. I kept my university stuff for years then I just asked am I going to review it and then I just chucked most if it kept a few books.

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      2. Good news about work and that is a win. Keep winning. We are thoughts and feelings. And it us easy to change them if we want. But sometimes be negative is easier than being positive or taking action. But with each small win momentum will grow and you will become unstoppable with all your positivity and actions and goals

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  3. Hi Hot,

    It is my opinion that the depressed person can hardly stand to hear anything positive about themselves. Am I right? It has been my experience. So I’ll not tell you about how good you are.
    Depression and anxiety, for me anyway, are just as bad as any of the main killers, heart disease, AIDs, ODs, etc. Stress is an inherent part of our deterioration and the hallmark of depression and anxiety. A little stress is necessary for life, but too much is a killer. I used to have a doctor that said all disease was caused by stress and the self-created kind was the worse. One of my favorite lines comes from Mark Twain: I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened. As a devout atheist, I offer you that piece of humane wisdom in response to your fine post. Use it as you see fit, cause it is all about you. Don Duque

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    1. Hello Don Duque. In retrospect I wouldn’t say I was too depressed… I was a little down. It’s a luxury, really, to feel down when you know that feeling up is real, that you can feel sad, reveling a little in the melancholy, and know that later you’ll be okay, that it’s not forever. I’ve always been a catastrophic, black-and-white thinker… Stress truly is “the silent killer.” I’ve made myself literally physically sick because of it. There’s research that suggests autoimmune diseases are triggered by stress and sometimes they will manifest themselves as illnesses that are in “vogue” at the time (ulcers, back pain).

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    2. Mark Twain: I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

      So true.

      Yes it can be hard to get out of a depressed state with positive. But I can’t see any other ways . Positive and action. And I guess this can only work if mildly depressed.

      We are always going to be upset in life, and I believe I have to keep moving forward and Mark twain is right. And I add I am more powerful than my worries. Stress leads to heart attacks I do believe and ill health, but action and positive helps the burden of the worry be lifted in my humble experience. Plus I have tried it many a times and it has worked many a time.

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  4. > Tired of being complicit in my own misery.

    But still not tired enough to actually do anything about it, eh?

    There are a few folks I know who manage to seek out and reveal the light in their lives. Constantly. Their secret, I think, lies in finding new things. New things to do, to research, to explore. I tend to point out that such behavior appears compulsive, an addiction almost. And then they offer their rebuttal: They never have time to sink into an emotional abyss. Touche’.

    I often wish I could be like those people. Driven, if even toward the trivial and inane.

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    1. Howdy. Not tired enough to actually do anything about it…. as though I secretly enjoyed existential melancholy…. Hmm….. Mr. Mole raises an interesting point..

      I wonder about people like that, too. Where do they get the energy and fortitude? Then I wonder, probably out of envy, are they not too smart? If they were smart, wouldn’t they real about things and admit the whole world is a shithole? But maybe therein lies the superiority, that you can know all that and still look for the light… like the little boy looking for the pony in the pile of manure… There isn’t a lot of good art that comes from happy people, though. Life is all conflict and strife. Maybe some people just have the gift of being able to keep fighting toward the point of light that only they can see.

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  5. Lol I know you’re going through uncertainty, but I do appreciate the humour here. Almost reminds me of David Sedaris. At least you got that, am I right? The ability to see the funny side of things? Wishing you the best, don’t be too hard on yourself, but also please write more!

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    1. Hey buddy. Yes I love to find the humor in dark stuff. My fiance and I can’t ever be serious about anything. We’re the ones giggling at funerals. We have a rule, if you let even the tiniest little laugh escape your lips, you must say why, no matter how bad it is. Even if it goes too far, it has to be said. There have been times in public where I have to pretend I’m crying because I’m sad because I can’t hold it in. I’ve joked that he and I could be in an accident bleeding out our lives on the pavement together and yet still be making fun of someone with our last breaths.

      Thanks for your wishes and I will keep working!

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  6. I respect Reddit but do not buy into it as a user. One too many feedback loops – don’t take downvoting to heart, I think it’s just a past-time.

    I hope things pick up for you as 2021 unfolds! I enjoy your writing. Please keep it up.

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    1. Oh god don’t respect Reddit!! The concept is good, I think. But in practice it’s a complete cesspool. I’ve unsubscribed from everything except their epilepsy forum.

      Anyway thanks for coming by. It’s nice to see you.

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