I figured that since I only managed one post this month, I ought to at least try to squeeze one out at the last minute so I can say I wrote two. I started this blog last January to begin something new in my life at a time when I was completely hopeless. I dug up my diaries today and read some of them, and they were filled with meanderings of depression, hopelessness, and fear. A year later, things are so different.
On January 1st, 2020, I wrote that I feared the year would be the worst of my life. At that time I was in the middle of a health scare and was undergoing many tests. I worried that my diary would be a chronicle of tragedy. But thankfully none of it came to pass.
I started this blog mainly to write for myself. So I guess I’ll finish up this year the same way I began it, gazing deep into my navel.
All in all, unlike many people, I can’t say 2020 was horrible for me. Actually, it was pretty good.
I never intended my blog to be anything popular or to be known. I don’t even want that because of the pressure to be consistent and interesting. But I did succeed in my two goals, which were making the leap to put stuff out there for eyes other than my own to read, and making connections with people. I’ve talked to so many other bloggers and made some friends, too, even from other parts of the world. I’ve made actual progress in my life because of help from people I’ve met.
The brightest highlight was a three-month furlough from my job. With no exaggeration I can say that that was the happiest I’d been in at least ten years. Three months to forget about my workplace and remember who I had really wanted to be. Three months to pretend I was living the life I had wanted all along. Three months to not have to see my boss or hear her voice. I can’t stress enough how great it was to be away from that place. Work was only a bad dream or a past life.
There is always room for improvement. I could have worked harder at writing, no doubt about that. I should have dedicated daily hard work to it. On the health front, I did poorly. In the last four months, I think I’ve eaten only two or three vegetables. I didn’t need to subsist on candy, ice cream, and Cheetos. We won’t discuss exercise. And last but not least, because there were no public Masses for a couple of months, my religious life sadly took a dive. But as with everything else, it was my fault for not keeping up, although at least I am one of the many volunteers who help keep the church open 24/7, which kept me afloat.
I could have done better with my attitude at work. My boss even spoke to me a few times about it. “You’re not the same person you were before we closed.” No, the person before we closed had not tasted freedom away from you yet. What I will say though is that I have undergone quite an attitude adjustment these last few weeks by working on positive thoughts. I actually looked forward to working near Christmas. Hopefully our store will still be open for them to enjoy this new development.
All of the failures are quite fixable. They don’t require epic rearranging of my life, just putting in a little more effort. Such as not staying up until 2:30 in the morning on Reddit or YouTube. No more Googling. Eating a vegetable. I don’t remember the last time I looked forward to starting a new year for reasons other than wanting the current one to end. But I am this time. I have lots of hope and plans for progress.
I do feel bad that I have nothing to really complain about for 2020, while the globe was burning down from riots and elections and pandemics. Other people lost their jobs, businesses, loved ones, and even their own lives, and here I was, eating Doritos and collecting unemployment. But I do have the decency to feel guilt about my own personal, fortunate state in life, and the worst thing would be ingratitude, because you cannot help someone else by wasting your own life in a twisted sense of solidarity. All we can do is honor the life we’ve been given because it’s an insult to those who lack to throw away what we have. God-willing, I’ll have the decency to seek opportunities to lift up other people. What we’ve been given isn’t really worth anything unless we share it.
Thank you to those whom I have met and communicated with on WordPress. 2020 was far from the worst year of my life all because of you.
(And not seeing my boss for three months.)