This is not the right way to get through life.

A pathetic self-centered rant. If you’re smart, you’ll stay the hell away.

“We’ll get through it, Hetty, we’ll get through it.” Julie hangs her head to the desk and shakes it in the most unconvincing way you’ve ever seen in your life. Well, guess what, Julie, it’s been about nine or ten months and there’s still no sign of “getting through it.”  That’s why, despite your four decades of experience, you cry when no one is looking.

Powering through is an okay way to get through temporary difficulties. But this is not the way to get through life in general. When it’s temporary, you can focus on getting through each hour, each day.

But the longer you let time pass and it becomes a way of life, the more you lose. In a short-term tribulation, you can practice serenity and fortitude, build your character. But in the long term, things fall away. Resentment and despair take over while you sacrifice everything you love on the altar of time.

Because there is no definite end to this, I’m running out of coping mechanisms. I try and dispel negative thoughts through positive statements and finding things to do outside of work, but the toxicity and stress of my surroundings overwhelm me. The only thing that will cure this is a permanent change of environment.

Thinking of happy memories does not help either; I have no recourse to pleasant nostalgia. The memories make me sad, because they are gone, never to be lived again.

Just “getting through it” cannot be your plan A, B, and C. There is no future better time. Okay, just get through this hour, this day, this week, this month. Then the next. But there’s never an arrival. How long until you realize how much of your own life you’ve thrown away simply “getting through it”?

Life cannot be one long period of “getting through it”—until what? Death? Killing time until death? Is that a good life plan?

I’m “getting through it” until I crack or die, whichever comes first.

Fate dealt me a good hand and I managed to get four days off this weekend through a combination of the holiday, calling out Black Friday (a grave mortal sin in retail), and my supervisor’s idiocy in scheduling me off on Saturday and Sunday. I don’t usually call out but the times they are a-changin’.

I’ve already had two public meltdowns in the last couple of weeks. When it comes, the third will be spectacular. These days, it doesn’t take much to be sent over the edge. My tantrums accomplished little, as you might expect. My boss was nice for about an hour. Anytime a meltdown occurs (this happens regularly in my store), she’s frightened you’ll walk out the door (also happens regularly). But she’s an idiot so she forgets quickly.

I was happy these past few days. However, last night, when I turned out the lights, I was suddenly seized by terror, the kind that drove me to call out on Friday. All of the weight of what I need to do, what I’m behind on, the shit I will have to take, flattened me. A certain thought, which I haven’t had in a long time, flashed through my mind: a way to make this, and everything, no longer an issue.

I flopped back and forth on my stomach, this way and that way. I wrapped my rosary around my hand and held the crucifix, tried to recite something rote to distract myself. Flopped back and forth some more, heart pounding, until somehow I finally fell asleep. Woke up at three or four completely drenched in sweat.

I look like absolute hell every day. Face broken out, blue eye sockets like I got punched in the face all night. I subsist on candy, ice cream, quarter pounders, and Doritos, yet I’ve lost a couple of pounds.

Tomorrow morning, I will probably swallow three mouthfuls of breakfast before having to go to the bathroom two or three times, something that only happens before work and not anytime else. I’ll either cry while brushing my hair or when I get to work.

I have no choice but to get through the day, so I can get through the week, get through Christmas, get through January, get through… get through…

Right now, I’m sitting on three stories I would like to work on, but I can’t, because I’m too busy “getting through it” until the time comes when I can. You know, the time that never arrives.

Bella, if you’re reading this, I try my best, I really do. It would be way worse without you and your blog.

41 thoughts on “This is not the right way to get through life.

  1. Hi Hot,

    The “alter of time” is the operative phrase here. Like Bill Hicks says, “It’s just a ride.” In fact, I strongly recommend you google Bill Hicks and “It’s Just a Ride”. He was on to the whole Dilbert thing way ahead of most people. Unfortunately, he smoked himself to death. He was the only comic ever censured on Johnny Carson. He was making jokes about killing morons and politicians and the screen went black. Something like that. Long time ago. If I remember correctly he wanted to machine gun some president.
    Nice post. Duke

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for pointing me to that. I read it and appreciate the sentiments in it. I should print this out and keep it with my student loan mortgage. That mentality is the only thing that keeps me still on earth when I look at the amount. It appears that he died from pancreatic cancer at age 32. That’s how old I am. Food for thought… maybe I should get moving on things I actually want to accomplish.


  2. There’s a ton of straws on that camel’s back. When did camel’s ever carry straw? Or maybe it’s your fingers spread and stuffed into the holes in the dike. Or the house of cards you’ve superglued in place. I know, it’s one of those cake cooking shows where you have to create reindeer, a sleigh and a fat Santa on a rooftop and you’ve just dropped your last dozen eggs on the floor.

    If I recall, you’ve no responsibilities aside from yourself, correct? No kids or doddering parents, no sibling in re-hab? Who would care if you called it quits on your existing life and started a new one? Nobody, probably. So? Why not do that? Maybe you could become a glassblower… Or lumberjack. How about a field agent for the Fish & Game? Fuck retail. Walk away. Death is coming for you. The least you could do is offer Him a good story when he comes.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Your first paragraph: 100%.

      Second paragraph: Thank you for your vote of confidence, but there actually are a few people who would care. I do need something called a “paycheck.” No one chooses retail knowingly. But it’s not easy to quit and do something else when you at least have seniority and benefits. Trust me. You gotta fight for your right to melt down. I eventually get what I want when I behave like that. I don’t think a new workplace would be too amused by me, though. When I get my health straightened out, the time will come to start something new. Until then, I am in too weak of a position and would have no bargaining chips to counterbalance that. I’m just tired of waiting for the end.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think the time that I started feeling less tired and sad about everything was when I accepted I’ll be tired and sad about everything for the rest of my life.

    I know, not really the best thing someone wants to hear in these moments, but it’s comforting to know that you can go through it and still turn out okay. You’ve already come so far anyway.

    Also, it is quite reassuring to know that I have at least one ‘certainty’ in my life when it comes to those feels. Wishing you all the best though. It’s never easy, but it’s doable.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m sorry to hear that you feel you’ll be tired and sad about everything for so long. But I get what you’re saying. Acceptance makes a big difference. It’s sort of like what I wrote in my post about OCD. Today the OCD impulses were off the chart. Thank God for the masks or people would see my deranged smile for apparently no reason. I just accept I’m nuts and make sure it doesn’t affect my outward behavior or relations with people. Sometimes I look forward to the day when all of this will be over. But I know I need to keep living in the meantime. Actually, acceptance of these things sort of frees you up from fighting losing battles and allows you to figure out what you can do. I appreciate your honesty and it’s not at all the wrong thing to say by any means.


  4. I used to travel to do my job as a synthesizer prophet. A lot. Early on I would see the distance of a journey in its totality. Austin to Nashville, all those miles. How long before I need to pee, buy gas, eat? Where will I be when that rolls around? How much time will the pit stop take, how much will it extend my ETA? Will I ever freaking get there?
    All along the way there were signs. Mexia, 29 miles. Hope, 19 miles. Little Rock, 63 miles. Manageable. Not Holy Fuck, I’ll die along about Memphis. Fourteen hours! God! I’ll do clinic, wake up, do it again!
    That’s what’s eating you. Waiting for the next big one you know is coming and it looks insurmountable and you get all psyched out about where will it all end? It ends when it’s over. Between here and there you know you’ll be in Mexia in 25 minutes. Hope in 16. It takes as long to pee and buy gas as it takes. You melt down because you know you’re going melt down? You’re angry because it pisses you off that you’ll melt down? It’s a self serving cycle. Fuck getting to the end. Get to Mexia. Get to Little Rock. Tell yourself to fuck off, you have stories to write, you’ll get around to the meltdown when you get around to it. The sun might explode and come the roof tomorrow. You gonna buy sunglasses, sit under the kitchen table and wait, clutching a rosary in a sweaty hand praying like Roman with your eyes on fire?
    Decide You’ll go to the Dairy Queen in Mexia and tell whoever’s behind the counter the old travelers joke and there you are.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make a good point. It is true that I think of the totality of everything I have to do as though it all has to be done right now. But I’m not upset that I’ll melt down. It’s because I know what will prompt it and that’s what I don’t want to deal with. I simply don’t have enough time to do what I need to do. Literally don’t have the time. It wouldn’t be so bad if the terms of people’s employment didn’t depend on what I do. Otherwise I could kick the cans down the road. I work with incompetent people who don’t know what they’re doing. Literally, not just figuratively. I’m the only one who knows how to do things so I know for a fact it won’t be done. And I don’t have time. Going from point A to B doesn’t work anymore because I know I have to reach Z regardless of my attitude towards it. No delaying the inevitable. God willing they close my store and I get severance.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The joys of collaborative work environments. Let’s take a meeting… Hetty knows how it works so she’ll do it. Where are the donuts?
        We should have a discussion sometime of all the “Indie” authors (read that as amateurs) who have no idea how literature works, have never read academic criticism, never broken a work down, never even thought of it, have no idea. Literally or conceptually.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. No it goes like this:

          Boss: Go pick up some donuts and set up the conference room.
          Me: Okay. (I buy the donuts and set up the conference room.)
          Boss: Why are you here? Go back to the office. (no donut offered. I return.)
          Three hours later:
          Boss: (flings stack of papers across my desk.) This needs to be done by five.
          Me: It’s 4:45.
          Boss: I don’t care.
          Me: But I don’t know how. (sees furious face). Okay I’ll figure it out.

          Re: indie authors. I am sure you have very scorching things to say on that topic.

          Do you remember “digi-reads”?

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Weren’t they charging real money for re-pubs of public domain lit, most of which can be downloaded for free from major university libraries and websites and that marginally legal global library I’ve been sent to a few times?

            I know that boss. On a grander scale. “Every sales rep in the country and marketing and the Italians will be in the next room in five minutes. Jim Bob’s demo sucked, couldn’t get the gear to work, doesn’t know ho, some shit. Know it’s not your job but there’s $12 million on the line. What do you need go in there and make it happen?”
            “Uh… well… (seeing cush job as one of those reps & a product manager gig going down the drain with $12 million of somebody else’s money if I say ‘no fucking way!’)
            “Okay, shit. Show me the setup.”
            “Way to go, showtime,” whack on shoulder. “I know you’ll do us proud.”

            Liked by 1 person

                  1. Agree it is not all you. The point I make badly is, that if we send out bad vibes the just boomerang right back at us. It becomes a vicious cycle. Sure the boss is horrible. I have had my fair share. But I made it worse by always have negative thoughts. But when I changed myself I broke the invisible thread of pain that held me with that boss. I wasnt always successful, but it made a difference. I hope you get what I mean. I am not saying your the one and the boss is okay. No the boss isnt great granted. But the only person I can change is myself.. hugs


                  2. I am not perfect by anyway. I have too many bosses, and have cried too many tears. And the lessons learnt are shared on this blog of mine as well as anything new I learn or am learning. But my biggest lesson is that it starts all in my mind , my thoughts and it goes badly if I dont keep a good daily routine of positivity and meditation. And if I do everything right, the rudeness of another wont phase me. And if I get phased I know i got more work to do..

                    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh I wish I could give you a big massive hug in person Hetty . Christmas is coming and that can make us go weird.

    Getting through….okay hetty I get it . I so get it. Really I get it. It feels like there is no escape. We keep trying and nothing changes. Same old fight again and again.

    Hetty I dont know how many times I have been in this place . Exhausted. They I say to God, look I have tried my best for years decades. I just dont know what to do. Crying, journaling, affirming like mad and still feel so hopeless.

    May be Hetty change the focus.change the mindset. Firstly tell God, I need you to help, 4 decade I have tried and now I just dont know. And I hope that shifts stuff for you.

    2) think of work as money to live and just keep being a duck, water off a ducks back.
    3) at home from work. Make a timetable, eat , shower, time with family and friends. And 20 to 30 mins a day work on your writing. 3 days a week. 2 days work on pending paper work.
    4) every day with out fail fall into Gods lap let him love you. Read his word and let that be your motto for the day. Start each day and end each day.
    5) exercise.
    4) meditation

    Just dont think of all the pain. Fill you free moments with the things you want to do. And let the word of god be your blessing of the day and carry you. Meditation, prayer.

    And listen to stuff that brings you up.

    In pain we cant see. In pain and focusing on pain. It’s a cycle that drives us mad.. honestly I know. Break it, with another focus. Gods love, your writing, pending work, chores, baby steps. And affirmations…I know you are tired of this. But you gotta send out good vibes to get them back. is okay to have a meltdown.. we all do…let it out. Just dont stay down.
    I have had many. And who know if I am having one now🥵 no joke. And what I learnt and am learning. When my cup is full I can face anything. But when I let pain, lack, unhappiness take over and I dont keep up with my routine of meditation, positive reading, gods word, transformation of myself, I just cant dig myself out of my pain. And overthinking just drives me insane.

    And my way to get out of it is all the above. Gods love, gods words, affirmations, doing what I should be doing, and focusing on good stuff, and a whole heap of positive talks, and taking small baby steps of action. That action, that change of focus generates a whole natural strength.

    The other blogger comments are such Brilliant tips, advice.

    You have a lot of love and support Hetty. You will get past this. And you will be stronger for it. And it is okay to have melt down. We all do. Even me.

    Big hug. You are doing so well Hetty. You are.😘🤗🤗🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hetty, honestly change your focus. The job is just money to live. But your passion is to write. Get lost in your writing. But hey lost in Gods love and his word. Apply it to your life. And when you feel better sit down and figure what is this life teaching you. Until then. On your journal write ahhhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhh. Ahhhhh. Ahhhh. Ahhhhh.ahhhhhhh.ahhhhh. ahhhhhh
    And end with I am a fantastic person a Brilliant writer, best seller, life is great, everything in life is great.

    Always end your journaling session positively.

    By the way, the ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhh… I have done in my own life. Even did at work on scrap of paper. A colleague came over and laughed.

    But seriously the pen and paper and the ahhhhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhhh.. ending on a positive note and living life.. ie. All i have said above, …. or whatever you want to do. But just dont focus on work and stuff at work. It is Just money. That allows to buy stuff and make your dreams come true.

    All the best. You can do it. You will get through this. A wonderful life is waiting for you. Make it happen.

    I know you can. Make a timetable to write. Make dinner at home on days off.

    I hope this helps

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’d say from what you’ve written here, you need a definite change of environment.

    How you’d go about that change, I have no idea but I think your feeling that you do need a change of environment is definitely spot on.

    On another note, I noticed some comments discussing the gender of Death.

    A few years back I wrote a chapter on how Samael (who’s mentioned as the Angel of Death in the Babylonian Talmud and an angel who eventually fell and married the vampiress Lilith in some old rabbinic tales- they also divorced later after Lilith had a fling with Semjaza and gave birth to the demon Azazel in other rabbinic tales) decided to transgender himself while living in Mexico back in the 1930s (he was a demon definitely ahead of his time) and he became Santa Muerte (which is the Spanish feminine form for Saint Death) the being worshipped by Mexican drug dealers and drug cartels.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi. Thanks for stopping by. Yes I definitely need a change of environment. The time will come, I guess. Until then, I suffer and pay the last penny until I am released.

      Re: death. I don’t how you find this stuff and put it all together.

      Liked by 1 person

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