Stream of Consciousness Saturday #SOCS prompt from Linda G. Hill
“Pro/Con” of anything
I am setting my Fitbit for fifteen minutes of unbridled crap.
After I wrote the block of shit below, I realize I was right to predict it would be crap (and that makes me feel a little gratified), yet I squirm because I know how rude it is to the four people who will click and to the one who will skim. Pros and cons don’t even show up till the end. So I thought I better forget this. But that was the prompt, stream of consciousness about pros and cons, and when your stream takes a while to start, this is the result.
So I am going to show this to everyone (i.e. the four people) and let them know that this is what sort of crap can come out of a mind unedited. I’m showing the ugly truth of what hides inside many a long-forgotten Word document. Not everyone comes up with cute clever creative shit on their first try. And not everyone is James Joyce.
Writer’s block friends, take note: this is what things look like when you choose to type rather than suck on your hair. After you read this, though, perhaps you’ll consider sticking with the hair.
This is my gift to the world, given with unqualified generosity and love, so that you may all go to bed (or wake up) feeling better about yourself.
Today I think a good topic to consider pros and cons of is forgiveness. Today is the birthday of my former supervisor (not my boss for the three people who know). She is a very professional and caring person though a lot less sentimental than she ought to be. We worked together here in our office of an unnamed department store, a store which must not be mentioned. And last Christmas, mid October in fact, she suddenly went on a medical leave, citing stress, so unusual for someone so normally stoic who was usually my rock because I am overly emotional. So I was left along for the rest of the fourth quarter, the most hellish time of the year, and I had to run a hiring event all by myself with only one person I delegated work to, the first time in my life I ever delegated work to because according to my wonderful boss I think I can do everything better than everyone else although she did say that I am probably correct. So I had to do something that is hellish for five people, let alone one. But I was able to do it, and I was proud of myself that I did it even though when I found out she was going that night I had to lay down near the bathroom because I was sure I was going to throw up from the stress. And the holidays didn’t get any better. when am I getting to the pros? Well they didn’t get better and I got sick. I started having night sweats every single night and that is scary because even though they sound gross they are not signs of good things. Doctors ruled out tb and even skirted around the big C issue without saying it but I knew what they were looking for because I was googling every day. so I spent most of my time terrified that I had the C which maybe was silly but really it wasn’t because I have a lump in my neck. Anyway getting to the forgiveness. I went through hell that Christmas and I was so angry at her. So so so so angry. And I cannot blame her for going on leave because the stress of the job would make anyone sick and I guess she finally could not handle it anymore. Who could handle my boss day after day and not get sick especially holding it in? But I was proud of myself that I did it, survived my boss, survived doing a managers job, but I was so scared every freaking day, afraid to go to sleep, laundry going morning and night, and I was so so angry at her, in fact I hated her. But I understand why she had to go out and my God I have done far worse because of emotional issues so I have no right to judge whatsoever. And I know I was pretty cold when she returned, and when she was only there for a few weeks, when there was an announcement that her position was going to get ten times worse, she resigned, and I knew she was going to, so when the big boss called me down and she was sitting there I knew exactly why, and when she said so, I said I figured, which I am ashamed of because she was controlling tears. And I can’t blame her at all but look at the position I had been left in? the nightmare time of the year and the whole time thinking I had the C because no one could figure out why this was happening to me. when she left in February we said we’d keep in touch but I never contacted her because I was still so angry at her, which I had to control because I know she had to do what she had to do, as a grown woman, old enough to be my mother, and I myself have done far more drastic things. So for months now I did not contact her, and over time, especially lately, why lately I don’t know, people have been asking me if I’ve talked to her and how she is and so on and I just have to smile and be vague and say oh I’m sure she’s alright and pretend like it wasnt happening that we weren’t talking because it would look so bad. But her birthday was today, and I thought, if I don’t contact her today, why even bother later, that would simply be it. And I miss her, and I’ve talked about her at work with tears in my own eyes. So I texted her, and we talked and I was so happy to hear her voice and I hadn’t wanted to bother her either about work because I knew she wanted to get away from that and I am a one track mind so I thought why bug her. But of course we talked about it because she wanted to know because hey it is in our blood no one can get it out no matter how long they’re gone although they always have a better life. So I was glad that I rebuilt that bridge. And I intend to keep in touch now. So finally here is the pros and cons of forgiveness, my chosen topic—the pro is obviously that you repair a relationship. You make someone else feel good, you make yourself feel good, you make God happy, you’re not a hypocrite anymore, you can stop lying that everything is fine and you can get that worm out of your heart. But here is the con and oh yes there’s a con because there’s always a con to a good thing when it comes to me. the con is that it is so damn hard to let go of your precious problem especially when its been with you and cherished and nourished by you for so long. And I just need a minute more because my thing buzzed. I did not want to give up my anger about it and I still feel like a child having their favorite ball wrenched away from them when they don’t want to let it go. When I remember thinking I had c I get upset all over again when I think of the stress. And I enjoy too believe it or not because my problem was weird and special for me. so the con of forgiveness is that you have to give up your treasured possession of what you’re mad about. and I am not sure right now because I don’t have time and maybe I’ll talk about it later, I’m not sure if the pro outweighs the con….
And again I’m sorry for this, normally I would never show three or four random people from India and Romania something like this. But this is the daily reality for many wannabes. Shit. Lame, uninteresting shit.